Every bite of food that I take, every sip of a calorie-ridden beverage, sends me into a tailspin, and I have to fight with myself, my inner demons. It takes every ounce of will-power and strength I have, NOT to go and purge the food I have just eaten.

I obsess with whether or not something I eat will make me "fat". If I'm not severely limiting my calories and food intake, then I am fighting the little voice inside that tells me to go and purge what I have just eaten.

You see, I am struggling with Bulimia- A struggle that starting in my early years, during my early teens. Bulimia is a double-edged sword. It's a severe eating disorder, but someone with Bulimia can give the appearance of eating normally, and then go purge once they away from everyone.

Through a lot of prayer, meditation, counseling and anti-depressant medications- I haven't "binged" and "purged" in a few years... But I'm always one step away from doing so. I still occasionally "binge", but rather than make myself "purge", I usually end up obsessing over the number of calories I consumed.

Sometimes I exercise to the point of exhaustion, in an attempt to rid myself of those calories. And there have been a number of times over the years, that I have taken laxatives to try to rid myself of calories. These are both also Bulimia.

Not all Bulimics "binge and purge" by vomiting. Some of us use exercise, laxatives or diet pills as a form of "purging", rather than vomiting. Sometimes it's a combination of all of these things. For me, it's always been a matter of whatever method I could "get away" with. And of course, none of it is healthy. Thus the term "eating disorder".

Living with Bulimia or Anorexia either one, is a nightmare. One in which I wish I could wake up from, and have a "normal" view of food and eating. I wish my body image weren't so distorted, I wish I could be happy in my own skin.

But see, my Eating Disorders aren't always about food or "feeling fat". Sometimes, a lot of times, it's more about control. If I'm feeling like I'm having no control over my life or something in my life, I will use my Eating Disorders as a way to control something, ANYTHING, that's going wrong in my life!

Logically, I know that Bulimia isn't healthy, I know that it's dangerous- that I could DIE, if I ever slipped and went back to those behaviors completely. Bulimic purging by vomiting can cause INSTANT death, even the first time you do it. Cardiac arrest, stomach hemorrhaging, choking,

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