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Last January my little nine week old grandson was placed on his belly on a big fluffy pillow and suffocated. It will always be something that tears my heart apart, but with time and God and friends, each day it gets a bit better. At this same time we found out that my husband's partner, age 50 is dying from brain cancer, and our cousin was shot in the head and murdered by her boyfriend. Our daughter who was married 17 years had her husband come home and tell her and his three little kids that he was leaving and moving in with a married woman, and my entire world started spinning. I needed help but was unsure what to do.

Someone suggested that I see a therapist, and I said, "I am not insane." I am just overwhelmed by life. . . I questioned God and although I did not lose my love for Him I was far from loving Him the way I had before the baby died. . . .

I finally called our local hospital and made an appointment with the mental health center there. That is where I met "Suzanne." She was a very nice lady who walked me through my pain and in some way helped me to deal with one problem at a time.

I neglected to mention that I have ms, lupus, and collagenous colitis. The stress of losing the baby sent me out of remission and for eight months I was on large doses of prednesone to keep from dying . . .That medicine can itself cause serious damage to your bod, but without it I would not have lived this past year.

With time, and God and Suzanne and others I am starting to get much better. I know that some where in time I will hold little Evan again. I know there is nothing I can do to change all the other things, but I do pray a lot, and with therapy I am starting to find my way out of the clouds. I know I am not mentally ill, but my life was such that I did need someone to help me find my way . . . I hope others will not be too quick to think they are insane, and seek help to make their lives much better. Life in spite of all the bumps on it's path is beautiful. It is worth the time and effort and expense to make it easier to deal with. For sure taking one day at a time is the key, and treasure each moment, and keep God and love in the middle of everything . . .

Learn more about this author, Barbara Fisher.
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