I have a midterm today for which I'm not prepared. The semester is halfway over, and the books just arrived in the mail for my independent study. Halfway through, and I've just begun.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{{{{{{{{{{{
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief

And the dry stone no sound of water.
T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland
}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Living with her has taught me a lot. I'm supposed to be learning what a woman wants, but it's easier to learn what a woman doesn't want. Like a multiple choice test, you narrow all the options down by eliminating what you know isn't right. Instead of thinking, "I should wash my hands before opening the fridge," the choice becomes "I should not not wash my hands before opening the fridge," because I know that not washing my hands is the wrong choice. She likes it when I write about her, but not when I write to her. I live in a world of double negatives, where the preposition makes all the difference.

We celebrated our anniversary the other day. One year together, seven months of
which we've shared a bed. She rolls over in bed and I wonder if she'll read what I'm typing. I worry about how a piece looks before it's finished worry that what I've written so far will upset her. Like Mona Lisa sitting before da Vinci, suddenly standing up and walking over to peek at his unfinished work, and shouting "You call that a smile?"

My life has two segments: before her, and with her. From what she says, there will be an "after her" also. Like I said, the preposition makes all the difference. Her compliments cause me to wonder what the unbearable third segment of my life would be like. "Whoever you end up with will be very happy." Whoever. It's an odd feeling, to live with some one, to both love each other, but already know that it's a dream you'll have to wake up from some day. Her compliments are little pinches.

-
For before let it before to be before spell
to be before to be before to have to be to be
for before to be tell to be to having held
Gertrude Stein, "Patriarchal Poetry"
-

She says she sometimes thinks I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had. She's the only real girlfriend I've ever had. I try my best to turn "sometimes" into "all the time." I do this by thinking in double negatives, and by writing about her.
She's Eastern Orthodox;

• 1
• 2
• 3
• next page >>

---

Add your voice

Know something about Memoirs: Love?
We want to hear your view. Write now!