by Kimberly Schiller

Created on: March 26, 2008   Last Updated: June 19, 2009

For some people, funerals can make the grieving process more difficult. If your relationship with the deceased was strained, the funeral may only serve as a cruel reminder of these problems. If there was something left undone that still haunts you, how can a ceremony bring you closure? Fake sentimentality can also be too much for a grieving person to bear. If a deceased loved one was lonely or let down by people who then make a big show of participating in the funeral, it's easy to be hurt by their hypocrisy.

Funerals are usually seen as an organized opportunity to grieve and pay your respects for a deceased friend or family member. The religious or cultural gatherings and ceremonies, in conjunction with the burial, allow loved ones to comfort each other and share fond or humorous memories. For many, a funeral provides closure - a signpost that it is time to move on.

As a survivor, you need to do whatever you need to in order to get through this difficult time. If you simply cannot bear to attend the funeral, explain to someone else who was very close to the deceased why you will not be there. This will help to alleviate any possible hurt feelings, and head off any gossip as to why you aren't there. Otherwise, you would be wise to consider going anyway. While a funeral can be a painful or uncomfortable experience, many people do find it cathartic. Even if you are usually someone who gets through hard times on your own, the support and camaraderie of others who share your grief can be surprisingly helpful.

There are also individuals who don't want there to be a funeral for them when they die. They don't want people to mourn for them, for real or for show. They may be embarrassed by the idea of people seeing them at the viewing and being the center of attention. They think of a funeral as a waste of time and money. If this is very important to you, make sure your wishes are in writing, and explain the reasons to your family to avoid arguments or hurt feelings. And you should remember that, in reality, a funeral is more for those left behind than it is for the deceased, so you may want to consider what will be best for the people who will be grieving for you.

No one looks forward to funerals, and they are surely not helpful for everyone. There is no painless way to deal with the death of a loved one. While the community provided by a funeral can be helpful to many, you should not feel pressured into participating. Just make sure to consider all the pros and cons honestly before deciding to stay away.

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