by Elaine Sihera

Created on: March 25, 2008

The Emotional Factor in Attraction

Of the three main attraction elements: emotional, physical and intellectual, this one is very important for the long-lasting part of the relationship which is so sought after. If you are physically attracted to someone without the emotional pull as well, that will merely be lust without anything else to make it last. An emotional connection signals the 'falling in love' part, the great feeling one gets of being totally in love with another and glriously ecstatic.

The emotional aspect involves openness, honesty, caring, warmth, protecting, being mutually attentive, committed and surrendering control. We all crave love with romance and passion, in particular, but many are not prepared to surrender personal control or to feel vulnerable to get it. My friend Phil claims to have many friends rather than any lovers, because he does not wish to leave himself open to be hurt. Instead he takes refuge in his work and numerous activities while making excuses for his fear and lack of commitment. This is a real pity because he is very attractive, warm, successful and affluent a most eligible bachelor!

People tend to spend their life trying to avoid hurt and pain in a futile way. But pleasure usually comes before hurt, while any hurt we experience strengthens our ability to deal with future relationships. It is also about taking risks. If we don't take any, we miss out on both the pleasure and the pain, remaining fossilised in our emotional blandness. By deliberately avoiding any hurt, we also lose out on the experience of dealing with intimate interaction, lacking the full range of emotions which make us appear appealing. We are then left with those elements which take no effort to maintain but which rob us of a life.

The way we were brought up, whether we felt secure or anxious with our parents, will dictate how we react to the people we meet. Often we are reassured further down the line by people who fulfil our needs and boost our esteem and they might help us gradually to behave differently. But, initially, we subconsciously seek what we left at home, behaving in ways which mirror our childhood when we are attracted to someone else, thus repeating the dysfunctional pattern with every new relationship until we find partners outside the predictable mould. They would be bringing their own attachment history to the mating process to prevent disclosure and avoid commitment.

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