No Frills Airlines

No Frills Airline (NFA) offers subway straps to its passengers. The first one is free, if two are required, that will cost $5.

Of course, seats are offered-at $10. Seat belts are an additional $5. Overhead bins may be used for a $5 fee per bag. Under seat stowage is only $2!

If a passenger needs to talk to a flight attendant, that will cost $5. Lavatory usage is a bargain: only 50 cents.

There is a landing fee of $10 per passenger. Since the crew is supplied with parachutes, if insufficient funds are collected, the crew may, at its option, bail out. Any passenger who is a qualified pilot may land the plane, if they use a credit card to gain access to the flight deck. The fee for this is $500.

The airline's motto is "We Make Safe Trips Most of the Time." So, take a chance. What the heck.

Now for the serious stuff.

On the web site nolo.com, false imprisonment is defined as intentionally restraining another person without having the legal right to do so. It's not necessary that physical force be used; threats or a show of apparent authority are sufficient. False imprisonment is a misdemeanor and a tort (a civil wrong). If the perpetrator confines the victim for a substantial period of time (or moves him a significant distance) the false imprisonment may become a kidnapping.

Passengers who are "held prisoner" need to get the names of the flight crew so that the lawyers will find it easier to sue. "Held prisoner" is defined as a situation where passengers are on the plane, but the engines are turned off. The clock starts 30 minutes after the scheduled departure.

This is not usually the problem. It becomes a huge problem when a plane is pushed back, taxies for a while and then turns the engines off because it cannot take off due to weather or other difficulties.

Back to the absurd and not so absurd.

This is a fact. The Dallas-Fort Worth airport is now charging $2 to use electrical outlets while you wait for your flight. Want to use your notebook computer or charge your mobile phone. Pony up. What's next a fee for sitting? The airport could install bars across the seats. Put in a buck and the bar retracts.

There is a $2 fee per bag to check luggage. But wait! The Skycaps do not get the fee, the airlines do. So, now the Skycap wants a tip in addition.

Why stop there? How about a fee for reading the monitors? Want to check your flight? Put in a buck.

Next will be a fee for using moving sidewalks, and a fee for using the tram between terminals.

Since everyone has to go through security, why not charge for expedited service-the snob line. Then, the airline could charge for expedited boarding. Pay a fee, and get on ahead of the rabble.

Learn more about this author, Robert Schoenburg.
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