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I JUST ATE MY GRANDMOTHER

Blundering around in a language that you barely speak is bound to cause some hilarity, or should I say insanity - well in my case I guess it could be either.

My first mistake occured after I had been in the country approximately two and a half hours. Walking into a convenience store I was astounded that the people working there kept yelling at me, 'IRASHIMASE, IRASHIMASE'. At first I thought I had done something wrong, but yet they didn't look angry, and after all the only thing I had done was walk into the shop. So I reasoned Ahhhhha! It must mean hello. Maybe Japanese people are just very friendly and very loud. So I waved back and yelled in my loudest voice - 'IRASHIMASE!' To which the shop assistants looked completely baffled. I later found out that it means something like 'Welcome' and is not usually yelled out by the customer.

So I began to learn a bit about the Japanese culture and language. And as I learned a bit of Japanese, I found that sometimes two words that sound almost identical to me have very different meanings. This can lead to some hilariously embarrassing results. Like the day my boss asked if I was hungry. 'Iie, arigato' - 'Oh, no thank you' I replied in my best Japanese 'Watashi wa sobo o tabemashta' - 'I just ate my grandmother'.
Actually, I had eaten a noodle dish called 'soba' for lunch not 'sobo' my grandmother.

Then one day I went on a first date with a Japanese boy. After we had eaten my date turned to me and asked if I wanted anything more. Showing off with my limited Japanese, I replied smugly, Iie arigato. Watashi wa oppai desu'. To which my date and the passing waiter burst into fits of laughter. I had just announced 'I am a breast', instead of the No thank you. I am full' 'Iie arigato, watashi was ippai desu' that I was aiming for. Although this may work as an icebreaker for a first date (it did for me as my date recently became my fiance), it is not really a conversation starter I recommend.

As I learn more and more Japanese I seem to blunder across more mistakes. The time I told my students they were eating children-flavoured candy for instance, instead of fruit flavoured, or the time I told my boss I caught the Japanese raddish back from the bar. But these days at least I've become so used to the shop keepers that I can simple ignore them when they yell 'IRASHIMASE'.

Learn more about this author, Marama Carmichael.
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