by Adrienne Chamberlain

Created on: March 24, 2008

"Trust vs. Mistrust". I heard it first in my high school psychology class. Erickson made a lot of sense to me at the time. But I wouldn't realize just how much sense for another ten years. I never liked the idea of letting a baby, any baby "Cry it out". It just felt wrong.
But after my first child was born and was, at three months, still waking up every 2-3 hours during the night I found myself facing a lot of pressure. Friends, relatives, strangers on the street, even the check-out lady at Publix seemed to be certain that I was already "ruining" my little man by rushing in to soothe him when he cried out at night. And while I wasn't second guessing myself or my decision to respond to the crying, I realized that I needed to formulate a good defense for all of these well intentioned advise givers. I wanted to be able to articulate to others that not letting my baby cry was a conscious choice not an inability to resist a "bad" impulse. That's when It went off like a gong reverberating through my sleep deprived brain.

"Trust vs. Mistrust" The reason I won't leave my baby to cry is because I am his entire world right now And when my baby cries, he is reaching out to me in the only way he can. I can either respond by soothing him or by ignoring him and letting him cry until he's exhausted and falls asleep. I choose to soothe. And I firmly believe that with the soothing I am teaching him on the most basic level that the world in which he lives is a warm and caring place. If I choose to ignore him, the first life lesson he will learn is that It is a cold world out there. And that the only person he can really rely on is himself. While I'm a firm believer in teaching self reliance I don't believe it is the first or most important lesson to be taught.

This debate actually has significant implications about our culture. In a society, people are required to function together. We live, work, and play together. This means having to trust others and sometimes put the needs of others ahead of our own. Learning to trust and relate to others meaningfully is vital in order to succeed in a any society.

Whether a baby is responded to or ignored he is getting a powerful first lesson on interpersonal relationships. On a personal level, I may have to get up 3 times a night for a while and yes I'll be tired the next day, but I have the foresight to realize my lack of sleep is a temporary situation. The lesson my son is learning from me will shape his perception of the world. When I respond to him he will learn that he is loved and valued. And that will eventually allow him to learn to love and value others. And those lessons will last a lifetime.

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