"Who am I?", I asked.

There was a long pause as I stood so silently still in front of a jaged piece of glass - a mirror, if you will.

My reflection stared back at me with pupils turned so black that I didn't know where it was looking. Staring so deep into me I could feel the pressure in the back of my head, knowing this gaze had it's grip in the depths of my skull.

"What am I?" - a whisper and cold hearted stare is all that answers me.

She, or me, I am not really sure anymore - I am the person that stares into the glass, but she is the figure who looks back at me. Two different people - one scared, and one angry.

"Pitiful you", she says, looking at this bug-eyed girl just staring into the glass. "Just what are you looking for?"

"I'm not going to find it here", I whisper, as I separate myself from the angry figure looking back at me. I turn away to the wall, and no longer see the hatred nor anger - but now I am alone with my fear and my hopelessness.

I grip the knob in the shower stall and pull it to the right. What comes forth is a waterfall of forgiving heat. I step in, pulling the curtains shut. My body was half targeted by the heavy stream of water, and although I know it's heat I cannot actually feel it. My body is numb to its warmth, but those things mental are still etched in my head.

My back slides down the wall, and my head takes a couple of seconds to catch up with it. I am a lost entity separated from my own mind - something that is trapped inside of me but still ceases to move with everything else. Each tile grips my skin, and I can feel my feet beginning to slip - they slide to the other side of the wall until I am on my bottom and touching every side of this... this... water casket.

A watery grave, so it seems.

So trivial and insignificant, those things around me - they never mattered before, but they seem to mean the world right now. They are my world. I watch as rivers and streams make their way down my body, and form into small lakes, puddles, and oceans around my feet.

My head falls to the side as my eyes fade close. All I see is black, but within it seems something darker - something impossible in reality. My eyes widen back open, as I watch the steam build up behind the curtain, gently swaying the fabric back and forth. I take in a breath, and gently exhale as I watch the fabric give - proof that I do, indeed, exist. Although I never knew why.

Time passes without realization.

In it's natural state, my mind is neutral - both housing negative and positive thoughts, and constantly flipping back between the two in a sea of confusion. When my mind is in this state, either inebriated by alcohol or tainted by drugs - my thought process becomes crystal clear, and I can see, hear, and feel things that were once never there. I often wish that I could be this way in a natural state, but as I write this sentence I have begun to fade off of the clear headedness, and back into a world where everything is being thought of all at once, and my mind has begun to overload with all of lifes troubles.

And with that I realize that I am saying goodbye to these words of such sense, and am saying hello to a world in which I will never understand.

Learn more about this author, Kimberly H..
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