by E K Stapleton

Created on: March 21, 2008

Disabilities come in many forms. Those that can't visibly be detected, often are not taken seriously or dismissed as being without merit. For the people who suffer these kinds of ailments the symptoms are very real and life altering.

At the age of thirty I started to suffer from seizures. After an extensive battery of tests I was told the cause was unknown. I was prescribed anticonvulsants and left to deal with it. I tried to continue on with life as normal. Two more seizures out in public and my mental health was put to the test.

I avoided leaving the house at all costs. To go out was pure hell. Public situations were a fate worse than death. My heart would race, feeling like it was going to come right out of my chest. Dizziness and cold sweats would follow, along with the terrifying feeling that I couldn't swallow and my throat would close. The only thing to do was find the nearest exit and get out as fast as possible.

After more doctor visits and testing I was told I suffered from anxiety and panic disorder. Obviously this was my body's response to the sudden onset of the seizures. More medication was prescribed. This time antidepressants and nerve pills to go with the anticonvulsants. It took months to adjust to the pills and I still feel like I'm walking around in a fog. There are days I can go out, but for the most part I still fear the outside world.

As a result of the inner turmoil I felt I started to self mutilate. I have no control over it. It is a force stronger than I am able to defend against. The pain I cause myself helps to dull the pain I feel on the inside. Usually the damage is done to my feet where nobody can see. I cut and rip huge chunks of skin until they pour blood. The pain is excruciating and most of the time my feet are bandaged. Twice I had to go to hospital to have them stitched. Just writing about it makes me ashamed. Hopefully one day I will be strong enough to beat this.

Every day is a struggle. Can I leave the house today? Can I get through the day without causing myself harm? This is my reality, and I'll have to keep getting through it one day at a time.

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