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Why Perfectionists Have Hard Time Finding Love and Why Opposites Do Not Attract

Perfectionists have a hard job finding love because the ideal people they seek do not exist. They are simply one-dimensional caricatures, a virtual wish list, of well-known people they admire, adore or yearn to be associated with. Or they could be carbon copies of parents. When they actually find their perfect ideals, they might score on the physical side but, once they get to know these ideals, they will gradually realise that the person could be emotionally cold, or more likely to be, intellectually, a few cells short of a brain! Again, if we fall in love solely for financial reasons, our relationship will also fluctuate according to the strength of the economy and the size of our partner's bank account.

We also hear the usual clich of opposites attract', but do they, really? No research has reliably shown that opposites really attract. Attraction based on common beliefs helps couples to approach life in a similar manner. They tend to make life decisions, celebrate occasions and treat each other in ways consistent with those beliefs; ones which generate a greater peace of mind between them. Griffit & Vietch collected personality assessments of 13 unacquainted men and then confined them in a fallout shelter. By comparing interests and opinions, they were able to predict (with better than chance accuracy) whom each of the men would like and dislike by the end of the experiment. Not surprisingly, the men liked best those who were most like themselves.

From the outset, couples tend to be similar in many qualities: attitudes, goals, background, interests, intelligences, sex drives, age, race, religion, socio-economic status, to mention a few, because of the essential need for shared activities, beliefs and outlook. There are also similarities in social and communication skills which are keenly sought in potential partners. The greater the similarity, the greater the correlation with personal happiness, hence the way we constantly gravitate towards our own physical, intellectual and emotional kind. Relationships then become more predictable, secure and hassle-free.

Partners who are significantly opposed in belief, perception and behaviour would find little point of contact or agreement, which would make for a frustrating, stressful and insecure situation. Similarity in beliefs, perception, behaviour and type appears to be the key to mutual liking. It seems that people connect mainly because they share similar lifestyles, such as being ardent travellers, bridge players, theatre lovers, vegetarians or being health-conscious. There is a sense of comfort which comes from being around someone whose lifestyle steers a parallel course.

Over 80 per cent of men and women consider love to be a main ingredient in a relationship; even when every other attribute was perfectly matched. But research has shown that there are also clear gender differences in attraction. Contrary to popular belief, men hold a more romantic vision of love. They fall in love faster and cling longer to a dying love affair.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
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