I had kind of a major break through today. I talked to my soon to be ex and I didn't feel guilty for moving out. We had grown into such a rut. I recall feeling a knot in my stomach develop every day after lunch knowing I was going home soon. Both of us would quickly resort to name calling when hurt by the other. I'm trying every day to work on me now. I feel sad for him, but I can't any longer be as angry about life as I was with him. I now know, I am different. I, at this time, know my marriage was a vicious circle.

We were like one of those oval shaped race car tracks. You know the one with the little gun. Remember dropping to your knees with excitement of the racing fun to come? It was just like how we started out. Excited to have each other. We had high hopes to look like the happy kids on the box.

Remember when the trigger was pulled all the way down, you could most certainly count on your car flying off the track as it loses traction rounding the curve? I'm sure we have been here. Two happy rug rats holding those guns, loving the track, and learning its power. We were our own cars and our minds the triggers. His mind seemed to be pulling the trigger in bursts. His car shoots forward almost losing control.

Then comes the part where each child tries hard to keep the cars on the track and keep a fairly smooth pace. Soon to follow is the third part where they grow impatient with the focus required to maintain a steady pace, and frustration mounts. With a final squeeze of the trigger the cars dart forward entering the 'widow making' curve propelling the racers off tumbling across the floor.

My trigger has been floored because i am bored with this oval life. I made my car fly off the track and now I have no idea where it will land, but at least I will be free of the tense electrical sting in the groove that tried so hard to hold me there. No matter where I end up, I know there is no getting back in that race. I am proud to say my little engine is fired up and I'm ready to rule my road. I plan to seek my own way and travel solo these days. Keeping in my head that failure is not an option.

Learn more about this author, Raven Madd.
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