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Some years ago my sister was diagnosed with colon cancer. Bev was 58 at the time and the odds they gave her for recovery if she took chemo etc. just weren't good enough in her opinion to put herself and her family through that. So, she didn't receive treatment. She lived two years.

I tell you this because Bev was the first of my siblings to die. I had lost my parents and that was of course, very hard. But my siblings and I walked through that together. When raised in a large family as I was, you and your siblings are a group more than individuals. You work as a group, think as a group, consider one another and so on. When Bev was diagnosed we all were. It was a horrific time for us all. I was here in Texas, three other siblings were in Calif. and three including Bev were in Minnesota.

I will never forget those words when my sister Alice called me to tell me that "Bev has cancer, Mare". It rocked me on many levels and my heart was beyond comfort. Of course I ran to God and talked to Him about it. I was so confused. I felt that God would protect my siblings because I prayed for them all of the time. God and I were tight! How could this have happened? All of this I was laying at God's feet. I told him that I didn't understand any of this and I didn't understand anymore what "God is love" meant. There was no love in this situation. I was so hurt and my relationship with the Lord sorely shaken. This, of course, speaks to my immaturity in my walk with the Lord, but that's where I was and so that's all I had to work with.

Those two years were horrible for me, for us all. I was so depressed, naturally, as were we all. Mom was still alive at the time and in a home. She was fully aware mentally, but Bev didn't want her told because she felt that mom would not be able to handle it. I didn't agree, but we all felt what Bev wanted was what we'd do. So, we didn't tell her. During the summer after her diagnosis my kids went up to see their favorite Aunt Bev and grandma. We also went up. When I went to see my mom she asked, "Which one of my kids is sick?". I told her we were all fine. I think she knew. All of this family gathering all at once didn't fool my mom.

So, time went on and Bev got more and more sick. She didn't want any of us to see her this way. We would talk to her on the phone and we'd meet in chat rooms on-line and spend time together that way, but she didn't want us up there once she started to go downhill. We all yearned to see her, but again, it was her call.

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