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I have seen my share of movies, good and bad. Throughout college, I was a movie production major so I watched them in scads, and now I review movies for a local web site, so I see scads more. In between these two major events, I've had a life full of movie watching. Over these years, there have accumulated 5 movies of which there is no escape. 5 movies which tested my soul, bent it to near-breaking lengths, and horrified me with unending bouts or boredom and poor filmmaking.

I shall list them in Worst t Dear-God-Kill-Me-Now order.

5) Bandits (2001). This film seemed like a good idea. Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Willis, and Cate Blanchett... all good actors, and, the men at least, had proven themselves to be funny guys. The premise begins nicely, bank robbery gone wrong, the boys are having a good time, there's some decent jokes in there. Hell, I was having a great time! And then Cate Blanchett shows up and the movies takes a dive. This is not her fault, she's a fantastic actress, but the moment she appears, the movies goes from entertaining to sappy, boring, saccharine material. Really, once she shows up, the movie crawls and you will want to crawl away from your TV set/

4) The Matador (2005). Good God, the tagline for this movie should have gone like this: "The Lifetime Channel presents a touching story of a hitman with a heart of gold." Honest to God barf. This movie is really awful. It is so falsely sweet, BUT this is Pierce Brosnan's best work, making it slightly bearable.

3) Gladiator (2000). Oh, yes yes yes, I know it won Best Picture, but let's be honest, it is a giant piece of garbage. The actors involved are all fairly talented, and so it amazes me that Ridley Scott (also talented) was unable to get better performances out of them. Russell Crowe yells a lot, Joaquin Phoenix wines a lot and snivels, the only good performance is from Richard Harris, but that's only because he's incapable of poor performance. The story is trite, the movie is loooong and full of ridiculously artsy shots. When I saw this, I was so excited... by the halfway point, I was checking my watch. Boring.

2) Freddy Got Fingered (2001). I'm almost embarrassed to put this on here because everyone has it on their list, but there's a reason. It is simply awful. I have nothing original and scathing that hasn't already been said about this movie.

1) The Hottie and the Nottie (2008). 98 minutes of absolute torture to a predictable ending. It's really truly terrible. It's the kind of movie that one might find one's self laughing sarcastically at the bad jokes just to feel not entirely ripped off. Paris Hilton is atrocious, The Greg Wilson should never be captured on film again, and Joel Moore needs a new agent. This movie is absolute dretch. Nothing redeeming at all. It is hideous and insulting to anyone who's ever written a haiku and not been paid a million dollars for it.

BONUS ROUND) The Flintstones (1994). I saw this at a time in my life that this kind of movie should have been hilarious, it was unending. Not funny. Not interesting. A waste of everyone's talent... the film is only better now in that it's mostly forgotten.

There you have it, six really awful movies. If you're depressed, go see these, they're guaranteed to make you feel better.

Learn more about this author, Greg Kaczynski.
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