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There are three tools is use in my home to combat bad behavior in my teens: communication, consistency, and compromise.

Communication. Ever hear the adage "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"? It's true. I have specific rules that must be followed. And I have specific consequences for breaking those rules. And I have communicated both the rules and consequences to my teens before they have become an issue. Yes, this means I have to spend some time thinking of things that they could possibly do wrong in the future and how I am going to handle it if and when it occurs, but since I am an overprotective Mom with a big imagination, it's not terribly difficult for me. And the benefit is that my girls know what their punishment will be before they ever break one of my rules. Most of the time they decide it's not worth it. And when they do decide to push the limits, I can smile and say "hey, you knew what would happen." I like to write down the undesirable behaviors that we are working on, along with the punishments for each, and have my teens sign the paper. We call it our Behavior Contract. It ensures that they know what is expected of them and what will happen if they break the rules.

When deciding on repercussions for unacceptable behavior, I try to make the punishment fit the crime. If my teens don't put their dirty clothes in the hamper, I don't lecture, yell, or ground them. I simply don't wash their clothes. If they bring home a bad grade on their report card, they get an extra 45 minutes each day studying with Mom (and that's after their homework is done). If one decides to be verbally abusive to someone, guess who gets to write an apology letter (proof-read by Mom, of course) and make a public apology.

Consistency. Always follow through with your consequences, no matter what. It doesn't matter if you're tired, stressed, just don't want to deal with it, or think this time wasn't such a big deal. Your teen has to know that certain behaviors bring about certain repercussions, not that punishments change depending on Mom's mood. In my home, the punishment for lying is getting grounded (including no phone, T.V. or computer) for two days. Period. No discussion. It doesn't matter if my sixteen year old lied about where she was after school or lied about "borrowing" her sister's shirt. Lying is lying, no matter what. She's grounded for two days. And it doesn't matter if what she was trying to cover up by lying is something that warrants being grounded or not. She gets punished for lying, and may or may not get an additional punishment for what she did that she felt she needed to lie about.

Compromise. Sometimes you just need to pick your battles. Ask yourself if it's really that important of an issue. My fourteen year old cannot keep her room clean. Do I like that behavior? No. Do I punish her for it? Not anymore. I realize she's busy during the week, so I allow her to keep her room as she wishes. In return, she cleans her room on the weekend before she's allowed to do anything else. Now, this is not an optimal situation for me. I prefer for the entire house to be clean at all times. But I realize that there are going to be other issues between the two of us that are going to be much more important than the cleanliness of her room. I choose to save my energy for those battles.

By compromising on certain issues, my teens realize that I'm not a power-crazed mother out to dictate their every move. They see that I am reasonable about certain things, which makes it easier for them to accept the rules on which I am inflexible.

Learn more about this author, Tamara Iannello.
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