by Odille Rault

Created on: March 17, 2008   Last Updated: February 28, 2010

Margaret's parents were fed up with her temper tantrums. She was in the middle of one when they told her that if she didn't stop kicking and screaming, she would not be allowed to attend her swimming lesson the next day. Margaret loved swimming, but she was so caught up in the middle of her tantrum, she didn't care, so she continued until she exhausted herself, and her parents were at their wits' end.

The next morning, when it came time for her swimming lesson, her parents started getting her ready to leave. They explained to Margaret that although they had said she would not be allowed to go, since they had paid for the lesson, she'd better go.

They were very surprised when, after watching Margaret disobey the swimming teacher several times, they found she ignored their threat to take her straight home if she continued to misbehave. After the lesson, they bought an ice-cream for Margaret and were shocked and hurt that she threw a tantrum because the flavour of ice-cream she wanted was sold out.

On hearing this story I was surprised that they expected Margaret to believe a word they said.

Make it a policy to never make a threat you can't, or are unwilling to, carry out. If you've paid for something, and you feel you don't want to waste the money, don't threaten your child with not being able to have it.

One doesn't have to be authoritative in order to discipline a child. The most effective approach to discipline is a combination of sympathy and inevitability. In other words, the way you feel when your child objects to your cleaning their hurt knee. "I'm so sorry sweetheart, but unfortunately it has to be done." This, when said genuinely, delivers the message to your child that you are on her side. You are not the person dishing out the punishment, you are the person who is supporting her through the inevitable consequences of her own actions and choices.

Tips:

Think ahead. Plan for leverage opportunities. If your child values a particular television program, use that it's easier than threats that involve outings and other people. Take time to think of a few leverage opportunities that are fair, and that you are able and willing to follow through on.

For example:
"If you don't put down the toy and get dressed, unfortunately there won't be time to play with your Play-station/ watch Batman, before we have to leave."
or: "If you finish your homework by 4.30pm, you'll have an hour to play on your Nintendo/ ride your bike."

If you must use an outing, make sure you

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