CAVEAT EMPTOR (let the buyer beware)

The Estate Agent:

"HOUSE FOR SALE - Excellent condition throughout."

The vendor:

"That was clever of me wasn't it, I fooled you. Bet you got a shock when you saw the size of that crack. It was lucky the wardrobe was just about the right size to cover it. Well, what could I do? I saw my dream home on that new estate a few streets away and I wanted it desperately. I couldn't hang around carrying out expensive repairs before I sold up and with a thousand pounds excess for a subsidence claim I'd have been way out of pocket. No...I didn't even bother filling in the crack with a bit of cement or sticking the wallpaper back. Who cares? That's your tough luck."

The tenant:

"I moved here because I thought this place was in better condition than the house I'd just left but here I am with a room full of brick dust and builders traipsing in and out all day. My little girl hasn't even got a bedroom to sleep in. Well, I couldn't have her sleeping in her cot next to a wall that might fall down any minute could I? And now the neighbours are complaining about the noise. I know you're doing your level best to get the work finished but I really think you should let me off quite a bit of rent."

The next door neighbours:

"What's all that banging about? Hope it doesn't bring the house down. No need for all that noise surely. We've all had cracks in this street. Mining area you see. We've just filled them in a bit over the years when we've decorated. You sound like you're from down south so what can you know about coal mining? What else can you do with cracks but fill them in and paper over them? We haven't got money for expensive repairs at our time of life. Oh now, look at that! The cracks on our side are opening up again with all the commotion. Are you sure your builder knows what he's doing? Well, I'm just going to have to ask you to foot the bill for our redecoration costs."

The builder:

"Yes love, they've bodged it from the other side at one time. They've crammed newspapers into the cracks and papered over them. We've done a good job for you from from this side though. For one and a half thousand pound you can't really complain... it'll be good for ten years at least. The old fella from next door came over to see what was going on... most concerned he was. Said he'd sue you if any damage was done to his property. We told him we'd be gentle... as much as you can be gentle when replacing bricks. But the vibration

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