by Celia Givings

Created on: March 12, 2008

A CAT NAMED DOUBTFUL.

"Is there really any such thing as God?" The thought came to me unbidden, an UN-ordinary thought on a quite ordinary day. Not that I could say the prospect had never occurred to me before, but having been raised a 'good Catholic girl', my mind usually skittered away from it as soon as it appeared. It seemed somehow mildly sacrilegious to even permit the thought, let alone give it 'air time'. But this day was different...instead of dismissing the thought as soon as it appeared, my mind toyed with it.....rolled it around a bit....even (horrors!) enlarged upon it. Where did the idea of God even come from? Was it possible that He was merely an invention of some innately lonely soul who longed to think that there was 'someone out there' listening? Did a place called heaven even exist, or could it be the deluded fabrication of some finite being who couldn't bear to think that death was nothing more than the cessation of existence?

There was no precipitating factor that suddenly caused my mind to run down this path; no crisis, no unusual happening, just the humdrum activities in the midst of what was basically a very humdrum life. That somehow made it seem all the more unsettling. I found myself peering into the past, remembering all of the times I had prayed for this or for that as a child, so sure at first that my wishes would be granted, only to be disappointed time and time again. Did I even know anyone whose prayers had been granted? I couldn't recall even one. As a child, I had merely accepted without hesitation that God was real. I would speak to Him daily in the confines of my mind, in the childish way that children do. I just assumed everyone did the same....after all, the nuns who were my teachers spoke of Him as though He were just a 'given', an inalterable fact of life. Weren't they one of the ultimate authorities on all things spiritual? Somehow on this particular day, that no longer seemed as sure or as satisfying as it had in the past. In fact, for the first time in my life, my mind was filled more with doubt than belief. I suddenly realized I had ceased doing what I had been doing and was sitting down. I looked at the laundry basket beside me, shook the thoughts away, and proceeded to finish folding the clothes I'd begun before this unbidden thought had intruded. I concentrated on the task at hand, although I felt my mind being pulled back to the unsettling train of thought. The kids would be home from school soon and there was

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