by Erin St John

Created on: March 11, 2008

With the American divorce rate already abysmally high, it can be somewhat disheartening for divorcees in a new relationship to discover that the success rate of second marriages is even lower. After all, second marriages can often mean step-children, competing financial interests, difficult exes, and unrealistic expectations. Despite these hurdles, however, many second marriages are hugely successful and serve as a model for strong, loving relationships.

After a failed first marriage, most people are at least somewhat introspective regarding what went wrong in their relationship. Self-awareness before jumping into a new partnership is key; identifying your own mistakes lack of communication, intimacy, common goals, beliefs, or outlooks and not just those of your ex is a helpful first step. This type of reflection helps individuals to really understand what they want and need out of a committed relationship. With that sort of experience, many people find themselves much better equipped to find a partner they can love, respect, and cherish, and will work harder to hold on to the happiness they have found.

Even after finding that special person that makes you feel alive again, second marriages do pose special challenges. No marriage exists in a vacuum, and each union whether a first, second, or third marriage will have its outside stresses. If one partner has never been married previously, they must deal not only with the newness of being married, but having to negotiate the new relationship with someone who has walked that path before, with someone else (who may or may not still be a present force in their new spouse's life). If either partner has children from their previous marriage, the new step-parent will have to adjust to being a part of the life of a child who may or may not want them around.

Most marriage counselors will attest to the fact that for any marriage to work, the couple needs to put their relationship FIRST. This is even more true in remarriage, despite it being more difficult. Parents need to support their new spouse's position in the family, period. If children or a vindictive ex sense that they have some say or control over how the new step-parent will fit into the family, the marriage is going to be under tremendous stress: the new step-parent may be subject to attacks from the children or the ex, and if their spouse won't put a stop to it, they can feel powerless within their own home. In instances where it is clear that the marriage comes first and will be strongly defended, this sort of power struggle is greatly diminished and allows the new blended family to bond, grow, and flourish.

Second marriages often face more difficult challenges than first marriages do, but that doesn't mean that they are insurmountable hurdles. With understanding, clear boundaries, and love, second marriages can be much more fulfilling.

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