by Elizabeth Kelly

Created on: March 07, 2008

Sometimes when you hear people name the worst horror movies, do you ever think the films they name are actually good? Sometimes "worst of" lists seem to even have some of my favorites on them. To be the very worst horror movie of all time you have to look beyond movies that are so bad they make you laugh -those films at least have entertainment value. A truly bad film has no entertainment value at all.

In fact, to find movies that aren't merely bad but the certified worst, you have to dig deep into the vault of has-been old horror flicks. The genuinely "worst" films are the ones that haven't seen the light of day in ages and never should have in the first place. These are the films that video stores have hidden away in the back rooms, ashamed to put them out. These are films you probably haven't seen, and if you have, you might be too embarrassed to admit it.

So here, from the dreaded vault of moldy movies that should never be resurrected, are the REAL worst horror movies of all time.

DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1977, available on DVD)

With the plethora of horror movies featuring demonic houses, some genius got the idea that maybe it would be cheaper and easier if just one piece of furniture was possessed. The result is Death Bed, a movie that I WISH was funny, because it hovers just on the edge of being amusing. The plot, if you can call it one, involves a canopy bed that eats anyone who lies on it. It's admittedly a bit funny when the bed eats a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and smokes a cigar, and I love the fact that one of the actors has a moustache exactly like the guy on the Pringle's container, but the fun ends there. The acting is so flat that when Pringle's Man sees his friend eaten by the bed, his response is: "Whuuuuuuh?" Unfortunately, this monstrosity is just an hour and a half of sheer moviemaking stupidity, made hokier by the trashy '70s style cinematography. Death Bed makes me want to take a nap, even on a haunted bed.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978, only on VHS)

This film has never made it to DVD for the good of all mankind. I wanted to like this so much. The members of the rock group KISS running amok in an amusement park trying to thwart a mad scientist? How could that not be, at the very least, mildly entertaining. Let me just say that I watched this with a huge KISS fan, and it took us three tries to sit all the way through it. The plot resembles the worst Scooby-Doo episode ever, with dialogue that's not half as interesting. Scooby-Doo

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