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Well, it was that time of year again, the day after Thanksgiving; a time when the better aspects of human nature are tossed aside, common sense and decency ignored, and idiocy revered. My new job at Circuit City tossed me into the fray during the busiest shopping day of the year. As a road shop associate who knows absolutely nothing about car audio, the thought terrified me. Hordes of grabbers, gropers, and goobers were about to invade my personal space and blame me for their inadequacies as shoppers and human beings. The following paragraphs recount the terrifying ordeal of Black Friday, 2004, as well as this author's unique perspective on the uneducated, blind persistence of the American consumer.

After a long and pleasurable Thursday, where my gluttony knew no bounds, I arrived home from my aunt's house and went straight to bed at 8 p.m. for I had to be up at 4 the next morning. This did not prevent me from waking up several times in the night to continue my journey through Final Fantasy X and enjoy a quick beer. My sleep amounted to three abbreviated naps. The alarm went off at four, signaling a shower. Unfortunately the sultry, sexy mistress, Labatt, could not be my companion on this morn as obligation scorned me. The dreary, dawn taunted me, or perhaps it was still night, as slumber battled furiously with my eyelids. I lit a cigarette to keep my reactions bright and blasted the air from the red Cavalier's vents. The road blurred in my sleepy squint. The flurry falling didn't help, but luckily the snow began to dissipate as I ventured farther away from home. I took this as a good omen, but I misinterpreted the sign. Little did I know that it was getting warmer because I had entered the outer ring of hell. A chipmunk ventured into the road, stricken by fear from an unseen enemy. I swerved to save his life, but he dove to end his suffering underneath the donut that I had recently put on the right front side. I pitied him as I continued on my path, but now I see more clearly. Oh, to be that chipmunk! Oh, to be devoid of fear, self-loathing, and hatred of everything human! I should have turned back then and forfeited the pain and agony of the day.

5:15: I arrived at McKinley Parkway, the road dedicated to the president who was shot there so many years ago. In the honor of this great man and western New Yorker, they erected a mall. Like the parade of his day which led to the assassination, cars toiled along at 35 mph, crawling along to eventual tragedy. I have

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