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There are so many things I wish people had told me about the first year of parenting. Sure, they made jokes about the sleep deprivation, losing the baby weight, and the death of my sex life. But now my baby is about to turn one year old in exactly three weeks, and I'm realizing that there are a lot of secrets behind the Baby Curtain. Here's what I have learned.

Sleep Deprivation: This isn't your standard "stay up all night studying for the big test" kind of sleep deprivation. This is more of the military torture sleep deprivation variety. They don't tell you that your baby will be hungry every two hours for those early months, and in case you forgot, your husband can't breastfeed. You don't get a reprieve for a weekend so you can catch up. Nope, this is seven days a week, catch sleep while you can, almost hallucinating kind of sleep deprivation.

Showering Is Optional: Some babies will refuse to be left alone. You have a choice, nice smelling body and screaming baby versus stinky body and happy baby. I usually opted for the latter.

Thank You! And You, And You: I loved my Baby Showers, but I honestly didn't expect 50 of my mother and mother-in-law's friends to show up. Then there was the virtual shower where I became good friends with the UPS delivery guy, and then the gifts that trickled in after Sadie was born. I wrote more thank you notes for all the baby stuff than I did for my wedding! Don't forget this is all while on military-style sleep deprivation. If I misspelled anything on those notes, I apologize.

Everything Is Really Expensive: You will learn this once you've worn out all of your shower gifts. Diapers, Formula, Child Care, Clothes, Toys, you name it. Once you buy your baby something new, she will likely spit up all over it. All the money you thought you would save for her college education goes straight to keeping your baby clean, fed, and safe.

You Will Get Pissed On: Babies pee whether you are ready for them or not. They will pee whether the diaper is on their little tushie or if it is still in your hand. You are not truly a parent until your child has pissed on you.

Teething Really Is Uncomfortable: This goes for everyone. There is crying, screaming, and at least one person in the house has the poops. That's never fun. Eventually the tooth breaks through the sensitive red gums. Then you realize that baby humans have more than one tooth and you do it all over again.

You Will Gain More Patience: After the screaming fits that feel like they last for days,

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