by Kevin Guthrie

Created on: March 06, 2008

Here are a few truly dreadful jokes, although they do appeal to my sense of humor.
Have a read through and see if you have the courage to use any of them in public.

I went into my local butcher's the other day and proposed a bet.
"I bet you can't reach those sirloins on the top shelf." My butcher declined.
"I'm afraid the steaks are too high."

A Scotsman announces to his wife that he is going out for the evening.

"I'm going to the pub now. Put your coat on."
"Why? Are you taking me with you?"
"No. I'm turning the heating off."

I knew a guy at university who was studying Mr T. He came out with a B.A.

A man walks up to a supermarket checkout and puts his food on the belt. He has a half pint of milk, a microwave meal for one and half a loaf of bread.
"You're single aren't you?" says the checkout girl.
"Yes," says the man. "How do you know? Is it the microwave meal and the small carton of milk?
"No. You're just really ugly."

Why did the Irishman wear three condoms?
To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.

I went to see my dentist last week. He said, "say aaaah." I said, "why?" He said, "my dog's just died."

A font walks into a bar, only to be confronted by the owner.
"You'll have to leave. We don't serve your type in here."

A police officer stops a naked man walking along the street with a woman tied to his back.
"Where are you going?"
"To a fancy dress party."
"What are you going as?"
"A tortoise."
"And who is this lady?"
"That's Michelle."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

A pharmacy owner walks into his shop and notices a guy crouched over in the corner, leaning against a wall. He turns to the young store assistant.
"What's wrong with him?"
"He came in with a bad cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative instead."
"You what! You can't treat a cough with laxatives you idiot."
"Yes you can. Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

I've been trying to lose weight recently. I've been trying a whisky diet. So far I've lost four days.

I walked into a bar with my pet newt on my shoulder.
"What do you call it?" asked the barman.
"Tiny"
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."

I recently went on a cannibal holiday. I won't be going back. It cost an arm and a leg.

Sky TV has just won the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships. Unfortunately, it will only be available on Paper View.

I'll get my coat.

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