Everybody's dealt with that high-and-mighty music store clerk. You know the type, the guy with the seashell necklace, mohawk, and Duckie Dale regalia. Have you ever walked up to the desk, trembling with excitement, asked for the Beach Boys' Greatest Hits, or maybe the new Modest Mouse, only to have a pair of bloodshot eyes rolled, accompanied by a pretentious scoff. This translates into roughly

"you can't be serious, can you?"

But of course, you are. After all, not everyone can understand the true genius of Randy Devoid and the Green Devils or some other band you've never heard of before. For some reason, you are a member of the group of human beings that can only comprehend lush harmonies and pristine songwriting; the sound of metal scraps being thrown down stairs drenched in reverb is just too hip for you, man.

So how, you ask, do you not only get the hippie scumbag to get you what you want, but to do it with respect? Follow these simple rules:

1. Think up a band name that does not, nor could possibly ever, exist, like John Heartney's Ribbitcage Emposium or The Whirlin' Spleencrackers. Got one? Good. It's your first tool to defeating music snobbery and gaining some real respect.

2. Dress as normal as possible, real t-shirt and jean-like, then add one quirky item of clothing, such as a fedora, leather briefcase, or ultra-high tube socks. For some reason, this borderline normality offsets and intrigues the snob, and will give you the upper hand when approahing the typical clerk. Be careful, though-more than one quirky item means you're trying too hard.

3. Enter the store and approach the clerk immediately; this shows that you know exactly what you came for. When the spiky-haired miscreant looks up from his Fangoria, ask him for the limited purple vinyl edition of a made up album by your made up band, say "Warner Smothers Factory Fire" by Little Froggy Sinister. This request coupled with your appearance will be like a bolt out the blue, one that he can't find even after repeated searches. When he can't locate the item, say you'll have to settle for just the CD version then.

4. After repeated searches, you should be noticing the upper hand leaning in your favor. Now is the ideal time to ask if they have 8-tracks. You will get a nervous chuckle, followed by a possible mohawk smoothing. The snob is dead meat.

5. Now, you roll your eyes and go for the kill. Like your normally fitting jeans and sneakers, the normalcy of asking for August and Everything After will frighten the clerk, and he will now assume there is some sort of genius to the record.

Congratulations! You have not only obtained your request with the utmost respect, you have changed some good-for-nothing punk's outlook on music.

Of course, if none of this works, just start hitting up iTunes. Who needs snobbery?

Learn more about this author, Tim Babiasz.
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