by Megan Bayliss

Created on: November 15, 2006   Last Updated: May 11, 2007

Being self-assertive relies upon having clear communication skills, a degree of emotional intelligence and a workable knowledge about who you are, what you want and where your personal boundaries are.

The formula for clear communication is:

A (affect) I feel,

B (behavior) when you,

C (cognitions) because.

While the formula for clear communication sounds easy, it can be difficult to remember when a person first starts using it. It is a different style of communication, like learning a new language. It is an emotional language. Many people fall within extremes of expressing themselves: submissive or aggressive. Self-assertion is the desired place for expression as it neither disempowers, confuses or weakens a person (submissive communication) or controls, harms or belittles another person (aggressive communication).

Being self-assertive sounds easy: just like any other skill it takes practice for it to become second nature. The formula is broken into three separate parts of communication: affect (feelings), behavior and cognitions (thoughts) and each part requires education, understanding and practice.

Many people confuse feelings and thoughts. For example, I feel you are ignoring the issue at hand because you just want to get on with rating. "You are ignoring the issue at hand," is a thought process (a cognition), not a feeling (affect). What is an emotional naming word that would suit your thoughts? Sum it up in a single emotional word: perhaps hurt, frustration, anger, bewilderment, or amazement.

A self-assertive statement would sound like, "I feel disgusted when you ignore the issue at hand because I see you itching to get on with rating." By using this formula for clear communication, I have been self-assertive by using "I" statements and not putting you down. I may be wrong about you itching to move on, but I have not put you down in the process. I am being self-assertive by owning my feelings, my behavior and my views of what is happening for you.

The moment you start a statement with "You," the listener thinks you are blaming them. Apportioning blame belongs to victims and co-dependents, self assertiveness belongs to those being responsible adults who can own their own feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

I feel happy being self-assertive when you give me the opportunity to write about it because it means I can share my professional knowledge.

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