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This article is strictly for women only (unless you're a homosexual who might like to benefit from this) and it concerns the Boogers of Nightclubs. Booger is another term for a club-goer - usually a man - who somehow manages to wreck your clubbing night. I'm sure every girl who has been to a club has encountered the Booger, who comes in many forms.

First you have the Touchy-Feely Booger, who is among the most common. A perfect scenario is where you're dancing with your girlfriends to a great track that you haven't heard in months, when you suddenly feel (usually sweaty) hands worm their way round your waist from behind and a waft of body odour finding it's way into your nostrils. You spin round and find the Touchy-Feely Booger grinning inanely at you, as though you are actually enjoying being gripped and suffocated by him and his deadly smells. It isn't long (maybe a millisecond) before the Touchy-Feely Booger tries his luck by groping you like a clumsy teenager and of course this is the perfect point for him to receive a swift kick in the groin. An avoidance strategy may be to always position a friend to dance behind you (acting as bodyguard) so that the dim Touchy-Feely Booger has no chance to pounce, or else, if you have no friend to protect you, simply dance with your back facing the wall. The Touchy-Feely Booger is the worst kind in my opinion because he creeps up behind you with no warning. Very slimy indeed.

Next we have the Talkative Booger - the Talkative Booger ranges between the desperate, middle-aged to the young Touchy-Feelys who have somehow miraculously realized that their hands-on technique isn't working. The Talkative Booger is usually lingering about the bar, waiting for his prey. Upon spotting you, he will engage upon pleasant conversation, offering to buy you a drink, asking where you're from, how old you are, etc etc. He will act as though he is extremely interested in everything you have to say before the explosion happens - first comes the attempt to kiss you (which, for some of you unfortunate drunken ladies, he sometimes succeeds at) and then finally the attempt of the groping of the buttocks. At this point, shake yourself free and say "Oh! I've just spotted my friend, I'll be back in two minutes!" Then never return and make sure you don't bump into him for the rest of the night. He will wait for you for a good half hour (he is, after all, desperate) but will soon tire and may even realize you're not coming back, and he will then

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