37 of 310

Write now Article Tools

My earliest memory is of my Dad sitting at the kitchen table with my little sister on his lap. He was playing and laughing with her and she was laughing back, and I remember thinking that she must be having so much fun.

Later in life, during therapy, that same memory came racing back, this time with a different thought. Why didn't my Dad ever put me on his lap and play with me? I realized that not only had my Dad never done this with me, but that he had never actually touched' me during my whole childhood. I couldn't remember a friendly pat, hug, kiss, or any physical kind of touch from my Dad.

It's strange that as a child I don't remember being upset with my Dad, or my sister, over the relationship they had. I think I was pleased about it. Later, as an adult and struggling with many issues, that feeling changed to anger and rage against my father, and confusion over how a parent can so blatantly favor one child over another. The favoritism is one issue I have still not come to terms with to this day, and as a mother of four children I can not imagine hurting my children with such obvious behavior.

Of course there are times when we are disappointed or even angry with one of our children but that doesn't mean that you love that child any less. It just means that their behavior is unacceptable - not that they are.

Now for the interesting part! Recently my father gave me some old slides and my daughter converted them into photos and put them onto a CD for him. Of course I was very anxious to see these old memories and, to my absolute shock one of the first photos I saw was of my Dad standing between me and my sister, with one arm around each of us, hugging us tightly, and we're all laughing and looking very comfortable with each other.

I have pondered over my childhood memories for a long time and it seems to me that we need to be careful over what we think' we remember. Since going over those old photos a lot of things have changed for me. I realize that I have blamed my father for a lot of childhood damage that he shouldn't have been blamed for. I loved my mother so much that I couldn't bare to blame her for anything, so in my memories I made her the angel and I made my Dad the devil. Yes he did favor my sister, and my Mum favored me, and I do still have problems with that because it did so much damage to both my sister and me, but I know now that I blew my memories up out of all proportion to justify the anger I felt.

Luckily for me, my Dad is still with us (now 86 years old) so I have time to make up for the mistakes of the past. We haven't actually spoken of our past relationship but I know that we are both aware that we should. One day soon, I hope!

Learn more about this author, Buffy.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Memoirs: Your earliest memory?
We want to hear your view. Write now!