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against the service rules.

There I was in a date with a girl who already essentially lied to me twice and we'd only been in each others company for five minutes. She was nice enough actually though she did have the physical presence of an Eastern European shot-putter which was a little disconcerting.

The next turn off was that she drank in pints of beer. While I don't particularly have a problem with this per se but she was only 17 so it was therefore illegal for her to be drinking alcohol anyway. Even if she was over 18 I would've been far more likely to look favorably on a future together if she was more restrained on her consumption.

I don't remember too much of what we talked about that night but what I do remember was that she was from Italian stock and bred rabbits. A nice hobby I'm sure but not one I could contribute much to in the conversation stakes.

A while later a band came on stage and it became difficult to talk so she suggested we go to her house for a coffee as it was only a few doors away. I wasn't thrilled by this prospect but it still seemed early to be looking for a get out clause so I reluctantly agreed.

When we went in the house there seemed to be a party going on and I was beginning to wonder whether I had been set up. We entered the lounge and literally all the family were there, not just immediate family, but elderly relatives, cousins and the local mafia too I shouldn't wonder.

There was nowhere to sit so I stood after refusing the option of sitting on the floor. My date later remarked that we were going to see her brother soon and it felt like I was already her boyfriend in her eyes whether I like It or not.

It was a tortuous couple of hours that followed before I finally made my excuses and left and was followed into the street by my date. She hung around expecting a kiss but she didn't get one. Asking me if about meeting up again I said "Sure. I have your number I'll give you a call."

Except I didn't.

That was very rude of me but I knew she didn't know where I lived. She also didn't have my phone number so I was pretty sure I could give her the slip and so it proved. However, I've spent most of the intervening years wondering whether I'll wake up one morning with a horses head in my bed for besmirching the family honor!

Learn more about this author, Jeremy Orbell.
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