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SELF ESTEEM - PRAISING THE MEANS, NOT THE END

It is Sunday morning and I'm having my first cup of coffee and trying to read snippets of the paper while my toddler plays with her toy on the floor next to me. It is mom's turn to sleep in, so I'm on morning duty, and I'm proud that I've managed to churn out breakfast, and that now, my daughter is playing happily and quietly while I scan the latest electronics ads. "Look, daddy," she says excitedly. I look down and see that she has managed to finish a simple puzzle all by herself. Wanting to be supportive, I enthusiastically bellow praise left and right. "Look what you did! What a clever girl!" She beams and shakes the puzzle back into its pieces to start over. I turn back to my daydreams of high definition and wide screens, but something is wrong. I can't pinpoint "it" exactly, but somewhere deep inside; I feel that I've just phoned in a cherished moment of fatherhood.

At first I feel "it" as guilt. Guilt that maybe I should be spending precious time with my daughter instead of drooling over a new television. I work over an hour away during the week, so weekends are my best opportunity to spend time with her. I take a farewell gulp of my coffee and join my daughter on our kitchen floor. By this time, she has once again completed the puzzle and, noticing that I am now sitting across from her, she says "look, daddy!" Again I shower her with praise. "You did it again! You are so smart!" Once again, something feels very wrong. But I'm spending time with my daughter, I think to myself. This is good quality time! Isn't it? And it hits me. I know why my Hallmark moment with my daughter doesn't feel right.

There is a familiar Chinese proverb "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." As a parent, the temptation is always there to feed our child's ego. It is very important that our children experience love and approval, but it is best distributed in the absence of achievement. By praising my daughter after she finishes her puzzle, I am offering her the proverbial "fish for a day." I am inadvertently building conditions into our relationship, and so too am I laying the foundation for my daughter to base her self esteem on the opinions of others.

I again think about the Chinese proverb. Teach a man to fish. I know from my own experience that self esteem isn't a fixed asset in our cognitive inventory. It fluctuates between highs and lows as we go through life. How can

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