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I could talk about relationships with family, friends, or business associates. I could talk about our most intimate relationships, with spouse or partner. The most important aspect of any communication in relationships-the best way to avoid problems-is by being a good listener.

Although it is possible to have problems in communications because of things that are said, especially when tempers rise, many of these problems can be avoided through the art of listening. And listening is not something you are either good at or not. It is a skill that can be learned.

One simple way to practice and improve your listening skills is by repeating back to someone what you thought you heard them say. Many problems in conversations or arguments are due to misunderstanding what the other person is trying to say. You end up responding to something the other person never said or never intended to say. If both parties practice this, regardless of whether you agree or disagree, at least you will both understand the other's position.

Another big problem in communication in relationships is accusation and defensiveness. When you accuse someone of doing something or intending something, it is almost impossible for them to respond to you with anything but defensiveness. The accusation takes the form of what they did or what they said. In other words, the communication is in the form of holding them responsible for something.

The way to avoid defensiveness, or minimizing it, is by talking about how you were impacted by what was said or what occurred. You do not talk about what the other person did or said. You talk about how their actions or words affected you. In communication psychology these are called "I" messages.

Instead of saying, "You hurt me," you say, "I felt hurt by what you did." This is a bit subtle but you can see that there is an accusation of wrongdoing in the first statement and a statement of your own feelings in the second. This is a habit that must be cultivated and practiced but it can head off a lot of angry arguments by staying away from accusing.

By using "I" messages, you are simply giving feedback. You are expressing your feelings without accusing. This kind of feedback gives the other a chance to respond. Since they haven't been accused, they don't need to defend.

There's nothing wrong with disagreeing, with arguing, or even fighting, as long as you fight fair. Fighting fair means listening to the other and making sure you understand what they are saying. It means

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