by Melody Chase

Created on: March 01, 2008

Do you ever wonder why your teenager just doesn't talk to you?

Well, I was watching an episode of "Law and Order: S.V.U.", the TV drama series that inspired me to write an article about that question.

In this episode one of the lead detectives was at home making sandwiches with his teenage daughter.

He asked his daughter why teenagers don't tell the truth to their parents.

The daughter said, "Well that's an easy answer, parents like you Dad expect us to be like you, then you judge us and get angry at us when we are not. It's just easier to talk to our friends."

I liked her answer so much I decided to expand on it and include some suggestions on how to regain your teenagers trust in being open and honest with you.

Remember Your Teenager Is Unique: Your child is not exactly like you, he or she is a unique individual and what may be highest and best for you, may not be highest and best for your teenager.

Remember Not To Be in Judgment: I am a relationship counsellor and we have a client who we will call Sharon who sees us for relationship counselling who also has relationship problems with her 15 year old daughter Jill.

Sharon was having a lot of problems with Jill, because Jill was extremely wild and disruptive with her.

As a client of ours, Sharon has learned about different personalities and what the needs of the different personalities are.

Sharon proceeded in taking everything she learned about personalities, communication and that "relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs" and tried communicate with her daughter Jill.

Sharon was going through all the correct motions, but Jill was still being the same rude and uncontrollable, wild teenager.

Sharon was confused until we figured out that although she knew what Jill wanted, Sharon didn't approve of it and was in judgment about Jill's personality and needs in general.

Sharon also had a lot of built-up anger and resentment towards her daughter which she wouldn't verbally admit to since Sharon is naturally a pleasant person who gets along with most people, and of course, being a Mom she didn't want to admit to being resentful towards her daughter.

However, none of what was going on under the surface was getting past her daughter. Jill felt everything that her Mother was feeling, so Jill was still reacting to her Mother's anger and judgment.

This was especially common for Jill's type of personality which is called the Expressive Personality, her main need in life is just to be loved for who she is, no matter what she does

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