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10. That YouTube video, "Thirsty Monkey," in which the monkey pees into its own mouth. When I'm sitting in front of my computer eating a sandwich, I don't need to click onto a YouTube video with an innocent name and appetite-killing content. I'm trying to eat, here. Just name the video "A monkey pees into its own mouth," problem solved.

9. The Britney Spears religion. I understand that it's one of the more profitable religions, but I can't understand the appeal. Is Britney Spears supposed to have superpowers, or what? Can she heal the sick, or feed orphans in Sudan? She must have some special talent, huh? What is it?

8. George W. Bush. He reminds me of a monkey, one in particular, although I can't quite place which monkey I'm thinking of . . .

7. The way shoes are manufactured, because it's by and large sweatshop labor in Asia and South America that produces American sneakers. By screwing factory workers with 14-hour days and starvation wages, shoe brands are able to profit from human suffering, only for Americans to sit at home in their technologically advanced, $120 sweatshop-labor shoes (that cost something like $4 per pair to manufacture) and gain unhealthy amounts of weight. I can understand Nike doing something like this, but Converse? Why can't Converse manufacture their sneakers in union shops, in the U.S.?

6. The Today Show.

5. People who stand outside of the Today Show with signs reading "Just Married," or "It's my Birthday." Yes, you're married, it's your birthday, and you're on TV. That's nice. Good for you. But I tuned into the Today Show to watch Matt Lauer have an asinine, scripted conversation with the author of the latest best-selling self-improvement manual, not to read your stupid sign. I want to know how to live my best life, fulfill all my dreams, and retire rich, so get out of my face.

4. The fact that in 2007, the U.S. government spent $49 billion imprisoning 1.6 million Americans. Do we really need to imprison all those people to keep crime rates down? The vast majority of those people are non-violent offenders. Let them out. I want my tax dollars back, if that's what the government is going to do with it. I'll enforce my own laws, thanks.

3. Corporate radio. The reason corporate radio has to hawk another product or promotion every time the DJ opens his mouth is because the music programming is crap. Put away the Chingy and Guns n' Roses and play something good, and then, due to a larger audience for the other advertisements,

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