by Mike Ogden

Created on: February 28, 2008

10 REASONS TO BOMB THE HELL OUT OF CANADA

In the interest of establishing myself as the most patriotic man in America, I need to insist that we bomb Canada.

It may sound extreme to bomb a close neighbor, but I am a desperate man working from a deficit. You see, I was NOT ON BOARD for our "cakewalk in Iraq." I mean really NOT ON BOARD, not just sort of "not on board because now I want to be the all-powerful President of your whole damned country, so I never was on board even if I voted at the time as if I were on board, unless of course you wanted me to be on board, in which case, yes, I was on board- the whole damn time, except for any uncertainty you may have developed later about my being on board, in which case I definitely share your ambivalence toward my own on-boardness... I think."

People who witnessed my lack of ON BOARDNESS back before anybody could possibly have guessed in a million years just how swell the whole Iraq war would actually turn out, invited me to move to my choice of middle eastern countries that would imminently be nuked for unnamed transgressions. They even offered me a towel to wear on my head as a parting gift. Their kind offer I turned down, not wanting the distraction of keeping up with a towel in a nuclear blast.

Having thought upon my ways, I have since had a sincere change of heart. I now wish to participate freely in the killing of anybody, anywhere, anytime to atone for my sins. I realize this comes frighteningly close to outing myself as an Evangelical Christian, but all I honestly want to do is establish my credentials as a true American of the very best kind, and to avoid headgear.

Let me sincerely recommend we blow Canada to hell as a convenience to ourselves and a favor to Canadians everywhere, especially in Canada, where it is very cold and the possibility of warming it up with munitions is a realistic and attainable goal.

Canada has many features to commend it as a target, such as closeness. I will only mention ten because a truly talented leader can start leadershipping troops to a fresh new war based on a mere two and a half mediocre reasons. So ten excellent reasons to blow up Canadians is admittedly "overkill" so to speak, but I was on a roll. Forgive me.

10 Reasons to Bomb the Hell Out of Canada:

1. Canadians wear tukes, which is French for "ridiculous hat." Yes, all Canadians are FRENCH! God likes for us to kill Tuke-Heads who talk funny. They are not really people.

2. Canadians have had centuries to do so, but have never

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