by Nan Einarson

Created on: February 27, 2008

WHAT THE *!@*!%*! DID YOUR CHILD JUST SAY?

A parent recently lamented to me her child's use of offensive language. Her immediate reaction was to forbid her 10 year old boy from using curse words, ever again, under no circumstances! Her son immediately took her command as a personal challenge. He pushed that button often because he knew he could, any time he felt like it. It became a control struggle, and literally, a war of words.

Depending on the child's age, kids' use of swear words provides parents with a rich opportunity for discussion and learning (NOT lecture) with their kids. For example, find out the reason behind the usage. Are they used to express emotions? Is cursing a means to fit in or impress peers? Is it for shock value or some other reason?

If cursing is used to convey emotions of anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, excitement, elation, etc., then what a perfect opportunity for parents to find out what is happening in their child's life, to help their child find different/new strategies for expressing emotions, and to invite the child to share their experiences and feelings with their parent(s) often, on a regular basis.

If peer pressure is causing the swearing, then create a chance for a parent/child talk about setting and defending personal values, choosing appropriate friends, and setting boundaries.

If shock value is the motivation, you have an opportunity to talk about appropriate and inappropriate usage of profanity. TOGETHER you can work out mutually agreeable appropriate places for swearing. One such place might be in their bedroom at home, alone, with the door closed, while punching the pillows and swearing as much as they need to, until they feel calm enough to discuss the trigger experience with you.

Another acceptable place might be in the company of certain "friends" (only in appropriate places) so they can "fit in" with peers without having to feel guilty about lying or betraying you. (Face it, they will do it with or without your permission, so by giving your permission you will lessen the thrill of it, and let your child know they can trust you and confide in you).

That scenario must inevitably lead to further discussions about choosing appropriate friends, behaving authentically, leading vs following, values-driven living and demonstrating integrity, etc. Through your willingness to negotiate "appropriate" times/places for swearing, you are sending the message to your child that you are fair, open-minded, and approachable for negotiating

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