2 of 9

Write now Article Tools

USDA REQUIRING CATTLE CONSENT PRIOR TO SLAUGHTER

After the U.S. Department of Agriculture ordered the recall of 143 million pounds of frozen beef, the USDA's Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced a new regulation has been added to the Federal Meat Inspection Act (FMIA) requiring slaughterhouses to obtain written consent from cattle before being put down and allowed to enter the food supply of the American public.

Each animal must be examined by its own veterinarian 24 hours in advance of the kill date. Any animal who can't afford its own veterinarian will be provided with a court-appointed veterinarian at taxpayer expense. All non-ambulatory animals must be allowed to speak with a PETA representative and given their choice of forklift escort down the slaughterhouse runway. Current forklift models are available in yellow or green.

Any cattle refusing to sign the consent form will be scheduled for binding arbitration before a panel of steak enthusiasts selected from members of The Cattlemen's Beef Board. If said cattle loses in arbitration, no further notices will be given. Said cattle will be immediately put down and processed for export to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.

Once the consent document has been signed and witnessed by USDA inspectors, the animal will receive a laser imprint on its right buttock. Choice of slogans include "Bovine Divine", "No Blood, No Glory", and "Too Tough to Bawl".

FSIS plans to enforce the new regulation by conducting carcass-by-carcass inspections at all slaughter facilities. Animals without imprints will be removed from the line-up and returned for imprinting.

The February 17th order was the largest beef recall in nearly a decade in the United States according to USDA officials. It affects mostly beef products coming from the Chino-West Hallmark Company whose slogan is "When You Couldn't Care Less, Just Eat Ol' Bess". The company is the largest supplier of meat to American school lunch programs who are now scrambling for meat replacements, resulting in an unprecedented decline in the amount of horse meat being exported out of the United States according to USDA officials.

The USDA admits that most of the recalled beef has probably already been eaten and urges consumers to not attempt to return any products they have already consumed.

Learn more about this author, Mortimer.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Satire: Government and health?
We want to hear your view. Write now!