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Oh dear. You think that you've done the right thing, or, conversely, the rug has been pulled out from under you, either scenario the truth is: your marriage is over, and you're getting a divorce.

During the initial days of lawyers and finding housing for the leaving party, and the buying of replacement furniture and the arguments of who gets what, the whole thing is enough to consume you and that's fine. So what happens when all of that is done, and now you're on your own and life begins again?

That's when reality hits. I'll admit it: I've been there, and I'm the one that said enough already, we're done. I learned very quickly a few things. The first is, whatever you do, don't move out on a long weekend, you'll be doing it on your own. The second is, all those people you think you can count on? Don't. It's events like this that cause you to learn exactly who your friends - and family - are. I was truly shocked when people I had poured my heart out to during our problems turned their back on me when I actually left. To this day I don't understand why the very people I thought would be behind me weren't, but I take it as a lesson that you do learn who your true friends (and family) are.

Be prepared to be broke. The only people really making money in a marriage breakdown are the lawyers so if you want to avoid that, try to see things from your former partner's side and work towards an amicable parting. If his great-aunt Millie's gold broach means the world to him because she used to tell him bedside stories, for heaven's sake, don't argue, let him have it. A good rule of thumb if it isn't covered by an agreement or by law is that what you walked into the marriage with is yours, what you buy mutually after is what you argue over. And, really really important: don't argue over things related to the children. Do what you can to reach an amicable agreement because honestly, children are the true victims in any marriage breakdown and their needs are paramount. You're their parents and regardless of whether you can get along or not, the children look to both their parents for love and acceptance and guidance.

So. Given all of that, how do you maintain sanity? First of all, deal with the necessary details but don't argue over silly stuff. Who cares who gets the ottoman in the rec room really? If ex is using that for a deal breaker for heaven's sake just let him have it, it's not worth the energy to fight over nonsense. Make that your mantra and repeat it often. Daily. Whenever it's necessary.

Do something special for yourself. If that means taking yoga classes, or finishing your degree, or changing jobs, or learning pottery by all means do it! This is your time, and use it to do all those things you couldn't when you were married to Mr. or Mrs. X.

Take the time to look deep within yourself. What is it that is most important to you, what is your vision of where you want to be or do? Think hard on that, then take the time to look into what you would need to do to attain that. After all, this is the beginning of the next stage of your life, now is the time to look forward and close the door behind you.

Maintaining your sanity means dealing with things on a day to day basis, all the while looking ahead, not back. If you have family or friends who want to drag you back into yesterday they need to know that you can't go back and they take it or leave it. It's sad to lose people close to you but in a situation like this you need all the help you can get, not those who want to break you down. Take care of yourself.

Learn more about this author, Catherine M. Harris.
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