How a dolphin trainers helped me be a better parent.

How do I get her to do what I want! As a frustrated parent facing the next phase, when children start becoming independent, and rebelling. My only model was my own parents and I realized that punishing the negative only leads to limitations, boundaries and negativity and possibly therapy in the future. I wanted a change. But how? She was six and already I was facing some difficulties and as a parent from a dual career family, time was limited.

A visit to the aquarium opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. Positive reinforcement and its marvelous possibilities. I looked to the dolphin trainer for guidance. What fascinated me was to learn that dolphins did these tricks for attention, not for food and because they love what they do. It is their natural behavior reinforced that we see. The trainer reiterated that you can never punish an animal in any way, because you risk they will never want to work with anyone again. Once they fear you, they avoid you. I marveled at how amazingly an animal with a completely different nature, who lives in water, was communicating with a land roaming animal, the trainer via visual hand signals. It was unbelievable to me. If the trainer can communicate with a dolphin, what is problem with my own child? Why can't I communicate with her? Maybe the key was the the trainer understood the dolphin's true nature better than I understood my own child's "true" nature. I wasn't listening, she is not a clone of me, she was a different animal, she had a different nature. That was the key. I didn't really understand her yet. I had to start listening.

So, I decided to become a dolphin trainer, not a disciplinarian. Reinforcing the positive and never ever punishing the negative. It seemed so wrong at first because most parents and our society believe in a system of punishment to correct "bad" behavior. But what is the definition of "bad behavior"?. Sometimes "bad" is mistaken for "wrong". Bad behavior to some parents means any behavior that is outside self imposed boundaries, and not necessarily immoral behavior that challenges society's boundaries. The keyword here is "boundaries". So parenting becomes a struggle of keeping your child within the confines of some self-imposed "boundaries" that we don't even understand ourselves as parents.

I searched for a school that reinforced good study habits but I realized that much of the work had to come from me, not

• 1
• 2
• 3
• next page >>

---

Add your voice

Know something about Tips for raising confident children?
We want to hear your view. Write now!