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if their vehicle was as wide as yours, e.g like a golf cart. Their reward for putting themselves at more physical risk than you is to get to the front of the line every time at lights. Live with it. If stuck in a jam, don't just let your passengers pile out of the car in that "you might as well get out here, Mom's gonna be late" way that you do. You'll kill a cyclist one day. Hint: It's what the door mirrors are for!

PARENT MOTORISTS (a breed apart apparently) The no parking zones outside schools are NOT your personal "dropping off" space. They are there for the safety of children who've WALKED to school and need a place to cross.

This also does not entitle you to an immediate U-turn there and then. Find somewhere else to do it.

PEDESTRIANS Just be thankful that hardly any road rules apply to you.
Don't stand at crossings with a cell-phone to your right ear; you've effectively blinkered yourself from half the traffic that's going to kill you. In fact if you're not ready to cross yet, please don't stand there looking like you are.

Don't toy with one foot in the road like a puppy daring you to take away his squeaky toy - you'll cause an accident but get to walk away scot-free which is hardly fair.

When getting off a bus, check that you're not now on a cycle path; cyclists love nothing better than a good game of "guess where they're going next".

Please look back before crossing a side road; just because you can't HEAR anything coming, doesn't mean there isn't anything coming as you launch yourself into oblivion, no doubt "texting" as you go. Once a few electric cars start killing you, you'll start remembering, but in the mean time you're causing injury to cyclists turning. Yes, we have bells, but it's a bit difficult to use one if you're signaling with one hand and covering your brakes with the other.

UNWRITTEN RULES OF THE (CYCLING) ROAD

a) Given the choice between pavement and cycle path, pedestrians prefer the nice green one, and to make it even more interesting, walk with their backs to you and their hoods up concealing their iPod earphones. The other way to recognize a cycle path is the profusion of "Cyclists Dismount" signs dotted along it

b) Cycle lanes end just where they're needed most, i.e. where the road narrows.

c) The steadier the rider you appear to be, the less room you get given by drivers. Why not wobble a bit? That should cut you some slack as that Porsche Cayenne edges past

d) When caught out by traffic lights on an uphill stretch, you WILL be in the wrong gear to cycle away.

e) The likelihood of a puncture is directly proportional to your distance from home or your inability to fix it on the hoof.

f) Yes, your backside does look big on this saddle.

g) Speaking of which, there is no such thing as a comfortable saddle in the same way that sofas are comfy; they just get less uncomfortable if you get the right one. Men: Make sure you've sired all the children you've ever wanted beforehand.

h) Mudguards are not sissy, especially if you have to do all your own washing.

i) Riding no-hands isn't cool; it's just plain STUPID, as is giving someone a ride on your cross-bar. In the dark this will also be the bike with no lights.

j) In my working area, there's seemingly a designated day per week when no-one has to signal. However, I've been unable to find the schedule on the council web-site.

Learn more about this author, Chris Green.
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