by Grace Alexander

Created on: February 23, 2008

There is one common denominator among abuse victims. It's the loss of self esteem, and it is the PTSD of many survivors. Recovering a sense of personal worth can take years, and at times the obstacles may seem insurmountable.

Children growing up in an abusive home often experience guilt, or a feeling of responsibility for things done to them. Even though they are in no way to blame for or deserving of the abuse, realization of that fact may be buried in the shame and confusion, and reinforced by the abuser in order to ensure the victims' silence. An abused child may go for years hiding the painful secret because they fear they somehow asked for or caused it to happen.

Abuse can take many forms. We all know children are violated every day. The media tends to focus on the physical and the sexual - they are the easiest to portray- but mental, verbal, and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and are often used in conjunction with other types of abuse to keep the victim in submission.

Years of being put down by an abuser can significantly warp the mindset of any victim. Self esteem issues often can be traced back to repetitive verbal haranguing:

"You're so stupid (bad, ugly, helpless, selfish..."
"You'll never amount to anything."
"You can't survive without me."
"You wanted it."
"No-one will believe you. You're such a liar."
"You made me do it."
"Nobody could ever love you."

After years of this kind of treatment it is easy for an individual to believe that they are indeed worthless, ugly or helpless; unable to care for themselves and unworthy of love or respect. Eventually the victim takes over the abuser's role and actually propagates the abuse in-house, so to speak; the voice is in their head repeating, "I am so worthless. No-one could ever like me. I am hopeless."

Mental and emotional abuse are harder to pin down but just as damaging. Over-controlling and judgmental parents or spouses, even radical religious groups can foster the feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing - indeed, this is often a way of securing even more control by insisting that the victim needs guidance because they are not smart or spiritual enough to make the right decisions. Breaking free of this type of bondage is the first step to reclaiming self esteem.

There are many aids available for a person who has recognized these symptoms in their life. For each individual the road to recovery may take a different path. Support groups are a safe haven to explore feelings that may have been previously so buried in shame as to be inaccessible. Likewise verbal affirmation of self-worth is a valuable tool, however silly it may seem. Another way to build self esteem is to try something new, but easy - again in a safe environment free of criticism and judgment; this can be as simple as planting an easy to tend flower-box or learning to crochet.

The road may be winding, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel for those who recognize that yes, they are indeed worthy of their own self respect.

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