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I'm in my thirties now, I'm at a time in my life when I should be settled and happy, in reality I'm neither. I'm unsettled, I'm bored, I'm miserable and I'm unbelievably lonely. I feel like a little bit of a fraud writing this, because I know some people literally have nobody, or there's those who have just lost someone close to them, someone who they've shared every day of the last 30,40 or 50 years with, and now they face each day alone. It feels like they have every right to say they are lonely, they are the unlucky ones, where as myself, I have people, I'm lucky.

I have a family who I love dearly; I have friends who I would literally give my life for. I work two jobs so I spend each day in an office surrounded by 200 people, and each evening in a bar full of people who want to talk and laugh with me. I am privileged that I am surrounded by so many wonderful people, I know that, yet it doesn't stop the overwhelming feeling that I am facing my life, and future alone.

I always go home alone at the end of the day, to my cold flat, my two cats, and only the TV for company.

I have a history of depression so I know that maybe I see things a little differently than they actually are. Some people may not have a clue what I am talking about, think that I should pull myself together, stop complaining about life and get on with it, stop moaning about what's going wrong for me and do something about it, but its just not that easy. As I sit here writing this I can feel the tears sting my eyes. I wish I could talk to someone, I wish I could magically make things better, but I know I am faced with this until something in my life changes.

I go home each evening alone.

I'm not particularly close to my family. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I know they love me, but I barely see them. I had a major falling out with my younger sister a year ago and we've not spoken since. We used to live together; we would sit on the sofa and watch reality TV together, and talk about our lives. I miss her. I wish we could sort this out, I wish she was back in my life. I wish I saw more of my other sister, I would love to spend evenings in with my parents, I would love to see more of my niece and nephews, but time and life won't allow me to. So instead I settle for the odd Sunday lunch, snatched phone calls and text messages. I would do anything for any member of my family if they asked me to. The truth is though; I don't think it would make any difference to how I feel. You can be in a crowded room and still feel totally alone. I know because that's how I feel every day.

Then there's the fact that I have been single for what seems like forever. I worry that whilst I was wasting time with Mr Wrong I let Mr Right walk on by. I don't know what I would do if I was alone forever, I can barely cope feeling this way now, but to never have someone there for me, waiting at home for when I get in from work, to greet me after a hard day, to never have that would break my heart, and my spirit. But I don't have it now, what's to say I'll ever have it.

I want to be happy, I want to feel loved and I don't want to feel the intense loneliness that I do right now.

But at the end of the day I go home alone.

Learn more about this author, AJ Stephenson.
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