1 of 38

Write now Article Tools

i'm in a tailspin, no apologies

as i wait for the risotto to cook, a lifetime passes.
she reaches her cookie out to the dog, who takes a lick causing her to explode in a fit of giggles.
she is communicating.
i remember driving down the highway with my husband.
long before we knew about the defect.
a thought ran through my brain.
i turned to him and repeated it.
"no matter what anyone says we can never do anything to hurt her."
i knew then that something was wrong.
and whatever it was that put that protective thought in my head, i knew i had to believe it.

shortly after we went through the trauma of the diagnosis.
i can't explain what it is like to feel a being moving through you.
getting to know his or her patterns and waiting for those active hours.
and being head over heels in love with someone you have never met, but is a part of who you are.
the specialist who we met with was less than warm.
barely tepid.
i didn't tell many people but we spent the last half of our forty weeks living in fear.
her heart defect was mostly common in down syndrome children.
not only was she in danger, but she may require special everything. forever.
the doctor told us that we could abort, but not at this stage in new york state.
just letting us know.
i knew.
i begged for helpful stats.
how many kids had down's?
in all his years of practice only 1 didn't.
he suggested we go through genetic counseling.
when we went to the appointment the counselor looked over my early screens and discussed our family histories.
my percentages of having a baby with down's was below below average.
and with our histories she seemed confident that we were fine.
still, the only 100% answer layed in the amniocentesis.
which sometimes causes sudden miscarriage.
i was only about 21 weeks.
too early for her to survive.
if i miscarried, i would deliver my baby and watch her die.
when i met with the doctor at this office and expressed my hesitations, he yelled at me.
you are deciding based on fear.
you are being a bad parent.
selfish.
down's kids need more care at birth.
if it were him he would take every test available so he would know and be prepared.
i left the office begging for more time to think.
at home i decided that my need to know if she were disabled was not more important than her safety.
if i had a child with special needs i was the best kind of person to take care of her.
i already loved her.
i loved her already.
so we waited.
18 or some odd

• 1
• 2
• next page >>

Add your voice

Know something about Essays: Parenting?
We want to hear your view. Write now!