by Victoria Johnston

Created on: February 20, 2008

Going to the grocery store for me is like going to the dentist or getting an oil change. I don't want to do it and I prolong it as much as I can.
I find myself perusing my cupboards looking for an answer to my hunger pangs. What will it be today? Instant oatmeal from 2005 or cement hard rainbow colored pasta with salt.

I settle on Alpha Beta Clam Chowder soup. Is there even an Alpha Beta in existence anymore? Whatever I don't care. I am too lazy to dial the phone for take out, and there is no way I am driving the 30 seconds to Vons. Its not like I'm anorexic either, I just don't like going to the grocery store. I 'll go to buy the essentials like Diet Coke and cheese, but to actually go there and be Rachel Ray? Way too much pressure.

I think there has been a decline in in grocery sales, because now they try and lure you with Starbucks and Wells Fargo. Kinda like, deposit your check, ingest some liquid crack and buy canned spam because its a club card value.

Okay I am lying. Sometimes I do enjoy going to the grocery store. but its only on Sunday mornings when everyone is praying or knocking on doors to recruit you for praying, that I actually kinda like going to Vons. The reason? They have the coolest light show complete with sound effects equivalent to God speaking to me through produce. Its very ethereal and spiritual and its my church. I kinda linger around the croutons for a bit waiting for the the show to start. Finally after about five minutes the broccoli gets dark and then flashes of light erupt. Chinese eggplant saved! Summer squash saved! Bell peppers, saved! Lettuce.. oh Ecoli.. Sinner! One by one they are showered with H2O, like the dancing water at the Bellagio in Vegas.

Then all is silent and still. I look around and there are tear streaked faces and everyone is clapping and jumping up and down. It is a very deep and powerful moment for me and especially for the lady selecting organic, freeze dried, vegetarian, soy apple banana hybrids.
Feeling much better about being in a grocery store I steal a chocolate covered pretzel and say Amen.

I make the sign of the cross and leave in search of rainbow colored pasta.

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