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PANDA PORNOS:I just heard some alarming news on TV: There are only 2000 pandas left in the world and it's believed that it's largely due to their lazy libidos. Seems that the panda is pathetically undersexed and only in the mood three or four days a year. And even then, regards the entire affair with as much enthusiasm as a flea bath. So in desperation and to nudge their biological urge, they (the scientists at the Chengdu reserve in China) have introduced something they hope will stimulate the panda's sexual drive. Namely, Panda Porno's, which are pretty graphic videos of two eager pandas doing the horizontal hokey pokey. (Note: In some instances the female attacks the male directly after the act, who in turn retreats like a frightened rabbit, to the corner of the cage. Normal behavior for pandas). Could that be the reason for the male's lack of interest? Sort of like the female preying mantis who ritualistically chops off her lover's head when it's over. Or the Black Widow Spider who, after rolling around in the sackor webhas him for breakfast. Not a huge incentive on the male's part.

I can only imagine what the two oblivious pandas are thinking as they observe the naughty videos, entitled "Sex Among The Bamboo shoots." Pandas Gone Wild." "Piggy Pandas. And A Poke In The Panda." Perhaps it would go like so:

"Hey, Quing, what do you think those two pandas are doing?"
"I'm not sure, Ha,Lei, but it looks like it requires a lot of energy."
"Could that be some kind of weird dance, Quing?"
(squints her eyes) "Seems more like wrestling."
"He seems to be smiling. Maybe it's fun. Would you like to give it a whirl?"
"PersonallyI'd rather scratch my back on the cage and chomp down some bamboo shoots," she yawns as she rolls over.

Could it be that the lady doesn't want to appear too "easy." Or maybe she needs other stimulants as well, to get her in the mood, like a little foreplay and sweet talk.Or perhaps she wants more romance thrown in, such as a romantic candlelit dinner, a glass of wine and some sweet nothings whispered in her ear. Or could it be that she's holding off because he hasn't told her he loves her and shies away from commitment? Another thought: He forgot to bring condoms along, which is why she's pissed off and beats him up after it's over.

The male might also need a little mood enticement, such as intoxicating perfume. Some erotica music. Or maybe she should wear a cute little French maid's costume with long black stockings and a push-up bra. That might just do the trick.

Hey! It's worth a shot.

Learn more about this author, Marie Tomas.
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