by Sadie Alexander

Created on: February 18, 2008

My past, up until recently, has not been very haunting. I have lived a quiet life. I have not made many enemies, I have not hurt many friends, and when I do I always ask for forgiveness. I managed my vices I have kept humiliation at a minimum. I respect those around me and I tolerate those I do not respect.

Up until recently. My untainted record was smashed to pieces. Everything I thought I had learned about life flew out the window in about five seconds flat. Note to self, I apparently do not tolerate pressure very well. I thought I had everything under control. I was doing well in school, my career was successful. I was about to get married and graduate. We had a five year plan. Things were going my way.

Then, two months after we were married, I got pregnant; unexpectedly, to say the least. As with most young married couples, we were not in the appropriate financial situation to bring children in to our home. But, I was pregnant and that was that. We were having a baby. Despite my worries, I was excited about bringing a child in to the world. Still, I became a ball of hormones within a month and everything went downhill from there.

Now, I'll go ahead and fast forward through the next three years. I got pregnant, graduated from college, started on my Master's degree, received two promotions, got pregnant again and then had my family relocated due my husband's promotion. I went through two churches. I moved three times. All these changes from the girl who lived in the same town with the same friends for the first 20 years of her life. Over the course of these three years, with all of this constant change, I may have become just a wee, tiny bit stressed. I may have lashed out on some people who did not exactly deserve my ranting. I may have behaved in ways that now shame me.

Now, because of this behavior, my husband finds it hard to love me. Although we've taken several steps to reconcile our relationship we are not satisfied. The reason is simple. There are trust issues on both sides. Other relationships have been destroyed too. Relationships between family and friends and coworkers have been strained.

I am currently working to mend those relationships but I have found that people are hard pressed to forgive and forget. I have found that people are quick to forgive but are not very good at the forgetting part. My husband, for instance, will admit to forgiving my past, but then when a situation arises to test us, he will refer back to how I would have reacted in past situations. I cannot seem to overcome my behavior. Forget the 20 years that I lived a decent life before my three years of what I am assuming was pregnancy hormones and adjusting to change.

It is an unfair realization that people will now judge my future based on the past three years. Three years of a person that I do not even recognize. I now feel that I am myself again, yet no one around me can see that. I just hope at some point in my future I can move on and leave this person behindthat everyone can move on and leave that person behind.
So here it is, my announcement to the world, I am sorry for my behavior. My apology to all. I am ashamed of that person that lived inside of my soul. I am through being quick to anger. I will watch what I say and how I act. I want to soothe all the relationships that I have beaten to death. I am sorry. I apologize. I need you to believe me. I need you to forget. I have let go of this alter ego. Now, all I ask, all I need, is for you to do the same.

Learn more about this author, Sadie Alexander.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.