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I'm sure at one time or another you have heard someone say or perhaps you have said yourself, that if your mate would cheat that there would be no second chances. The marriage would be over. I was faced with such a decision two years ago. My husband woke me at midnight, and said that we needed to talk. He had been having an affair over the past year with a very close friend of mine. The initial reaction is shock, then immense anger. After a little time passes, the anger subsides a bit. The brain cloud begins to lift and you can think a little bit clearer. Then, you come face to face with a life changing decision. Do you stay, or do you go? You remember the words you have uttered once before, "Never will I forgive a cheater." Suddenly, you realize that the answer isn't so cut and dry. Before an innocent mate chooses to forgive a cheating spouse there are a few things that need to be considered. What challenges lie ahead, and can they meet these challenges successfully?

What one first needs to consider is the magnitude of the infidelity. It would be on par with, say, Hurricane Katrina. An act of infidelity wreaks havoc on a relationship. It weakens the very foundation of a marriage, which is love, respect, and trust. Some marriages never recover. But, what if there is something left to salvage. It is important to assess the damage, and count the cost.

It is important to be honest with yourself at this stage of the process. Can intimacy be restored in light of the circumstances? Can the innocent mate bring themselves to forgive? One factor to consider is if the guilty mate displays sincere repentance. Is he or she sorry for what they have done, or just sorry that they got caught? It is vital that all contact be cut-off immediately with the other person! This is non-negotiable. Another thing, we are adults here. Let's take responsibility for our actions. After Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast, officials pointed the finger as to who should take responsibility for the failure of an evacuation plan. This accomplishes nothing, and everyone loses. If the guilty partner blames the innocent one for his discretion, or if the innocent partner is constantly blaming the other for everything that has gone wrong in the marriage because of the affair, reconciliation will rarely occur.

Once a couple realizes that their marriage is salvageable, it is time to begin clearing away the rubble. This is where the real work begins. My husband and I spent many all-nighters, talking about the affair. I had questions that needed to be answered. It was important for him to answer those questions honestly and sincerely. Display patience, self-control, and listen empathetically as each of you express your feelings over what has happened.

Rebuilding is a joint project. It can never be one-sided. The need to make changes falls primarily on the guilty mate. However, the innocent mate will do his or her part to recognize weaknesses within the marriage, and work to strengthen it. It can be a slow and many times painful process. I recently visited New Orleans to evaluate the reconstruction process. After two and a half years, I still saw FEMA trailers in the front yards of some homes, blue tarpon on roofs, and piles of debris. It appeared that they had barely scratched the surface. But, what I did notice was that the spirit of the people who remained was still intact. They had hope that the city they call home would one day be like it once was. Let's hope that will never be the case. We must learn from our experiences. The hope is to never be like we once were, but that through our experiences, our trials, our imperfections, and our disappointments that we will strive to grow and become better.

Learn more about this author, Heidi Matherne.
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