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Being a first time mom you read all the literature, go to all the classes, and listen to the obstetricians like their word is gold. I think back now to those months that I would sit in my brand new rocking chair talking to my unborn son, reading to him from my "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book, and I have to smile.

In my mind I was the mother in training if you will. I could do anything, and everything and no one would ever tell me that I couldn't control the birth of my son. Well, I am sure they did but being hardheaded comes naturally to me, so we will just say all words fell on deaf ears.

When the doctor's informed me that they would have to induce my son a week early because of my pregnancy induced hypertension, I was a little rattled, but hey still in control. Carrying my perfectly packed bag into the ER entrance with my husband at my side, I gave the nurses my best smile, full of wattage and hope.
My husband and I signed in the night before, and checked into the labor room. I set my candle out, my music, I even had a blanket from home, just in case the hospital had stingy blankets. We made cooing sounds over the little bonnets and talked with nervous energy. My husband bless his soul paced for hours, unable to settle. I stayed calm on the exterior, composed and in charge.

What a sight I made. Young and scared to death, but damn if I would let anyone see it.

That night the doctor's gave me a lovely sleeping pill to help with the nerves, which I hate to say I did not take. You see that was a weakness in my mind, I was tough, and strong and no one would know that my heart was screaming in terror.

When they began the Pitocin I was calmly playing cards with my husband. It was around six o'clock in the morning, but wisely my husband knew I had to keep myself busy, so there we were Sets and Straights....and I was winning. I always won.
When the Pitocin began to kick in, I practiced my breathing. When it did not stop kicking in, well my fear was long gone and so was my control. You see it is extremely hard to concentrate on anything except the pain when your contractions last five minutes, and you only have a minute to rest in between before they start again. Two hours of this and I hate to admit I caved.

I had enough. Yes I wanted a damn epidural, and be quick about it. In my mind I was screaming "Cocktails!"

So when my anesthesiologist came in set me up I was happy, thrilled. Ten minutes later we find out that epidural and I do not mix. Who knew that they

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