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Reduction in Force (RIF)

The term Reduction in Force or commonly abbreviated, RIF has become
part of the big business landscape. Certainly hardly a week goes by
without some announcement by some enterprise that thousands of workers
are being let go. Of course this pleases Wall Street analysts who see
this as a "trimming of the corporate fat". The riffed employees of

course see it otherwise. Many of these layoff events seemingly hit
random groups of employees; those supporting outdated products, those
with higher salaries (replaced by lower earning counterparts) and yes
potentially a few non-performers. Mostly it appears to be someone
reviewing a list of some sort and arbitrarily cutting to the desired
level.

I think corporations need a less ambiguous "RIF Plan" and feel that I
am just the person who can assist.

First some reality must be dealt with. All entities can stumble upon
times where cash flow becomes an issue. Just as in our personal lives
there are really only two alternatives:
Increase Revenue
Decrease Costs
Increasing revenue requires strategy, creative thinking, dogged
determination etc..... just plain too much work for most modern
corporations. Plus Wall Street expects an immediate solution.
Decreasing costs is easier, let's just cut some staff.

I recommend corporations outsource the RIF process to me. Their
mysterious internal decision making in this area rarely makes sense
anyway. First I will create a RIF currency. This would allow comparison
of dollar savings needed directly to a RIF head count. Hungary has the
Forint why not the RIF.....? We can have a contest for naming (RIFfle,
RIFee, RIFer etc.) Then we can say for instance $75,000 USD = 1
RIF... I suggest only whole people reduction as partial cuts seem
messy.

For each client company I will build a database of all employees and a
random number generator. Once a RIF request is approved I will enter
the headcount to be removed and push the magic button. Kind of a
reverse lottery! Everyone enjoys a good game of chance. At least the
approach would be clear to all. I am willing to weigh positions,
Directors 2x, VP's 5x etc. Once names are selected notices would be
printed on pink paper for distribution to those selected.

In advance I would like to make clear that the envelopes of cash filing
my mailbox are not reflective of my capability to remove names from the
selection list. I am above reproach just like a politician. My new Jag
is something I have been wanting for years and again not a reflection
of any under the table maneuvering.

In summary, everyone pretty much wins (well perhaps not the RIF
victims). The corporations offload a task they do a terrible job of
anyway, employees at least know the odds they face and I become wealthy
with immense power at the touch of a keystroke..

Learn more about this author, Michael in Florida.
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