by Dee Cain

Created on: February 16, 2008

In visiting the subject of staying in a domestic violence relationship being easier the answer would be yes. Walking away sounds easy but unfortunately that is not the case. Until you or someone you know is faced with this choice personally, the obvious answer would be walking away. Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence changes that response.

Having grown up in a home with domestic violence, I could never understand why my mother didn't just leave. I remember asking her that exact question. Being raised in the generation of you didn't leave your spouse under any circumstances had a great impact on her staying. The other biggest factor was she had 6 children and no place to go. In those days one didn't air their dirty laundry so to speak. All of these were her responses when asked why she stayed. The greatest factor was she truly loved my father. They had a bond even the abuse couldn't break hence she stayed. They were married 28 years until her death in 1973.

Being as domestic violence seems to create a cycle of violence I found myself married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I had always sworn that kind of behavior would not be tolerated but I got caught in the violent web before I knew what happened.

Beyond the beatings a victim of domestic violence is usually mentally abused until their self-esteem is damaged. Along with the blows come the constant rant of never being good enough or no one else would ever want you because you are damaged goods. The thoughts run like a taped message long after the bruises disappear. The fear factor of death to the victim or a loved one if the victim leaves becomes the chain that binds. If they could instill the pain of the beatings on someone they love then they will surely be capable of carrying out that threat.

Children play an enormous part in women/men staying in abusive relationships. Abusers use the children as a pawn. They threaten to take the children from the other spouse. Playing on the insecurities of the victim with the emotional abuse that they won't be able to make it on their own and provide for their children. Thus the victim stays. The children become a tool to get the victim to return if they have left the home. Using guilt that the family would still be together if Mommy hadn't left Daddy or visa versa.

Financial worries also keep a victim entrapped. Many victims aren't allowed to work. They are isolated from family and friends. The constant thought that there is no help is instilled

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