Things a women can look forward to at Fiftyish....

You need an extension on your arms to read the newspaper

Your now referred to as "that older women"

Where you once drove an SUV you now drive a PT Cruiser because you can get in it

CNN and world events are more important the Days of our Lives

Women sixty suddenly become spring chickens

You take lunch to the bathroom with you because that's how long it takes

Your Birthday and Valentines cards now say "was" and "were"

Taking a bath in Oil of Olay won't take the wrinkles away

What used to be pert stubbly hair on your legs you can now braid

You borrow your husbands razor to cut the hairs on your chin

Instead of push up bras you don't wear one and just use them as a belly button warmer

Putting on a swim suit in public is out of the question

Instead of springing out of bed in the morning you roll out

Instead of joining the gym you join Curves

A day working in the yard puts you down two days because you can't move

A good night out with too many drinks almost requires artificial resuscitation

When you were once a great speller you now have to think how to spell "the"

Being one of the "Deal or No Deal" girls is out of the question

Where they once whistled at you at the beach they now say "There's the beef"

Wearing a maxi pad is now a daily occurrence

Joan Collins is suddenly beautiful

Queen Latifa is a goddess

Brittney Spears has nothing on you, you thought Paparazzi was a new pizza and ordered one on the Internet

Blow drying your hair now takes 1.3 minutes

You now own shares in Loreal

You start counting the other way on Birthdays

Your Grandchildren make you nervous

Instead of telling your husband you "have a headache" you boot him to the couch

The rest of the world is absolutely Stupid

You'll climb a tree to get away from a mouse

When you once got beautiful flowing night gowns at Christmas you now get Stationary

Your eye glasses have wings on them

Your underwear look like they'd make a good parachute

Your favorite movie is now "Gone with the Wind"

Everybody tells you you look more like your Mom everyday

You used to introduce your sisters as "older sister" and "little sister" now their just your sisters

Learn more about this author, BJ Haring.
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