A Man's Guide to Valentine's Day Gifts:

If you're even THINKING of getting your girl anything in these categories, we wouldn't be surprised if she's surprising you on your birthday with an all-expenses-paid-for lobotomy.

Super-Raunchy Night Wear or the Like

Yeah, it's sweet to get a cute nightie with lace trim or a flirty satin tank and matching boxers, but avoid getting your girl a decked out garter belt with easy-release latches, or bright red panties with a little button that plays "My Funny Valentine." Seriously, guys, if you really want to get your girl something fun for the bedroom (and really, it's not a bad idea at all), get OUT of Spencer's Gifts and head next door to Victoria's Secret. The reception you receive if you present with a gift from either store will be quite different, rest assured.

Something That Makes Her Think of Her Weight

Any guy that would get a woman a weight scale on Valentine's Day is just begging to be slammed upside the head with the aforementioned weight scale. And even if your girl loves to cook, hold off on giving her the "30 Healthy Recipes In Thirty Minutes!" cookbook until after Valentine's Day. And even if she's a workout buff and has been eying those Carmen Electra aerobic DVDs (admit it, you like that idea), hold off on presenting those as a token of your love as well, because she might take it as a token of wow-you-need-to-lose-weight.

And the most important...

Something Practical

Yeah, yeah, we know that some guys are downright salivating over those new Rain-X windshield wiper blades that contour to the shape of the car's windshield instead of relying on six pressure points like traditional window wipers...but this is NOT the time for those! Guaranteed, she'd totally appreciate the thought and love you for it if you surprised her with them on a random rainy Wednesday morning before she makes her commute to work, but guys, tamp down your practical and pragmatic side for this day.

After all, what's practical about celebrating a random day with chocolate and greeting cards just because the greeting card company tells you to? Nothing! So why should your gifts be practical?

Put away the new meat cleaver, ditch the electric warming gloves, forget the new rake for the yard, and step away from the new gardening tools.

Resist all of your practical thoughts and go with something soft, silky, bejeweled, fattening, and/or pretty. Any one of those will do. Seriously. Pick one adjective and go to the mall. It's fool-proof, men, and guaranteed to get you kisses.

Learn more about this author, Huma Rashid.
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